A string walks into a bar. and the bartender says "Hey you! we dont serve your kind here!" so the string get a bit sad and gets up and leaves the bar. He goes up to a friend and asks "Hey do you think you tie me in knot and kinda fray my ends a bit?" the friend says "No problem! you got it." So the string now walks into the bar and the bartender says "Hey!!! didnt i tell you that we dont serve your kind here!?!?" and the string says "I'm a frayed knot!!!" (I'm afraid not!)
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A panda walks into a bar. He orders a drink, and a small meal. When he's finished, he pulls out a pistol and shoots a waiter. The bartender cries "What was that for!?" The panda says, "I'm a panda! Look it up!" and exits the bar.
The bartender pulls out a dusty old dictionary. The entry under "panda":
"Asiatic mammal. Eats shoots and leaves."
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A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. they start drinking and the giraffe gets drunk and passes out on the floor. the man pays the bartender and heads for the door. the bartender says "hey man you can just leave that lyin' there" the man turns and says "its not a lion its a giraffe."
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Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W.H. O.
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An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"
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A receptionist answered the phone the morning after a senior partner had passed away.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the man on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night" the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the man.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me.I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the man again."Sir, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist."Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the man sighed. "I just don't hear it often"
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A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother.
