I called Josh while I was in the ER. He was suspended from school until Friday, and it was Wednesday.
"They're going to set my nose or something. They said it'd be painful, but don't worry about me, I'm fine. None of this is your fault."
"I wish I could come and see you, but I'm grounded until Saturday. I shouldn't have fought with Mr. Way like that." I could hear the regret in Josh's voice. "So tell me more about your nose."
"Well, it's already pretty swollen, and the doctors said it's just going to get worse. It's broken, but not too badly. They're going to set it, they can't really do anything else about it. If it doesn't heal properly, I'm going to need a minor surgery."
"Oh shit, Tyler, I'm so fucking sorry." He was crying at this point. "I caused all this, I wish I hadn't been such a smartass." He hung up before I could reply.
I called Josh at least twenty times when I got home, but he never answered. He didn't even read the two hundred texts I sent him. I was starting to get really worried.
By the time my mom called me down for dinner, my pillow was soaked from the waterfall of tears that burst past my eyes. I'd gone through at least three panic attacks since I left the hospital this morning, and thrown up four times, and yet there was my mom, casually calling me for dinner. Does she even know what's going through my head right now? Does she know how much it kills me when my boyfriend suddenly isn't answering his phone?
Maybe he just got his phone taken away. Fuck, I don't know what to do. That's when I spotted the beautiful piano that I had pushed in the corner of my room. I had a huge pile of clothes next to it, and you could barely see the piano. It hadn't been played in a while, I mostly sang.
C, E F G... I started to write piano notes.
There's a screen on my chest.
I wrote a song about how hard it is to lie about being fine all the time. The truth is, I'm never fine.
Screen
I do not know
Why I would go
In front of you...
I sent the song that I had so far to Josh, hoping that he would read it some time soon. Maybe, just maybe, we could make a song together.
And I will hide
Behind my pride-
My song writing session was cut short by my mom busting my door open.
"Will you listen to me? Stop being a brat and come downstairs! And you're not leaving that table until you eat everything on your plate!" How does this woman expect me to be in the same room when she insults me like this? She knows I don't eat a lot, she purposely makes a lot of food to make it look like I'm wasting a lot of it and I'll seem like I'm "ungrateful" as she calls it.
By the time I finished dinner, it was 9:00 and I still had yesterday and todays homework to do. I tried to finish it in my room, but ended up getting distracted and eventually falling asleep without finishing any of it.
-
"Tyler, can we talk?" Josh had an anxious look in his eyes.
"Yeah, is something wrong?"
"Um, sort of. We need to break up." Those five words coming from Josh's mouth hit me like a train.
"Excuse me, what did you say?" There was no way that Josh had just said he want to break up.
"We're breaking up." He said, more stern this time. "You're looking for attention by cutting yourself. You fake your depression and you probably fake your "bulimia" too. You're an attention seeking, crybaby, whore!" Just then, Josh slapped me in the face, and suddenly I was in my bedroom.
It was just a dream. I looked over at the clock. 2:47 AM. I checked my phone to see if Josh had answered yet, but he didn't.
My nightmare wasn't real, it was just everything that people would say to me. Yes, I was bulimic, but I wasn't as bad anymore. My depression. Real. My self harm. Real. Me being a crybaby. Probably real. I cried pretty much every day before I met Josh.
I drove to school, sitting in silence. It was dangerous. It was violent. I pulled over, not able to take it anymore. I lowered my head, and the tears started spilling from my eyes.
-
"Tyler. Earth to Tyler. Tyler Joseph." My head shot up, my eyes meeting with Mrs. Martinez's. (She's Melanie's mom)
"Tyler, dear. Can I talk to you in the hallway?" I knew I was in trouble, but Mrs. Martinez seemed more concerned than angry.
"I can tell that Josh getting suspended is making a big impact on you, correct?" I didn't answer.
"I know you guys are dating. I'm Melanie's mom, don't forget that." She chuckled. My face immediately went hot.
"He's not answering my texts. I'm worried about him. The last time we talked, he said he was really sorry and he was crying and hung up before I could say anything. After that, he didn't read any of my texts or return my calls. I just hope I didn't make him do anything to- t-" I choked on my words, the sudden realization that he could be dead right now, hit me pretty hard.
"Okay, besides Josh, have you been having more trouble at home that I'm not aware of?" Mrs. Martinez was a way better counselor than Mr. Stump. She was always there for me.
"Here, before you tell me anything, let me call in another teacher to take over and we'll take a walk." I managed a quiet Thank you before she went to find another teacher.
We were walking down the junior hallway when she asked me something.
"Has your mom been treating you well after you relapsed?" I shook my head.
"Oh Ty, I'm so sorry honey. If you want, you can stay at my house tonight."
"Sure, thanks. I've been staying at Josh's place since Monday, but when I came back yesterday, no one answered so I went back to my house. My stuff is still at Josh's house." Mrs. Martinez nodded and allowed me to stay in her classroom during lunch instead of eating in the cafeteria.
This woman is like a second mother to me, and I loved her for it.
