I waved goodbye to my mom as she headed out the door. I broke down crying in Josh's arms.
"Josh, she said she cared. After all these years." I was angry. Angry that after all these years of ignoring me, she decided to care as I was moving out.
"Sh, sh, sh. It's okay baby. Let's go down to the basement to my room. You can let it out and scream into the pillows all you want. And you can beat the crap out of my drums, as long as you don't break them." Josh knew just how to make me feel better. "You can scream one of our songs, and I'll give it an angry drum beat, okay?"
My breathing slowed down. "Okay, okay let's go."
As soon as we went downstairs, I picked up a pillow and screamed into it. I screamed as loud as I could, loud enough for me to lose my voice. Josh watched me, probably wishing he could beat some sense into my mom, and I did too. I managed to yell some words into the pillow.
"Fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck you! All these years of hurting myself and wanting to die, and now you decide to tell me that you care! I'm glad I won't have to see you anymore! Dammit, I want to kill myself!" I hoped Josh hadn't heard that last part, but he did. He grabbed my waist from behind and led me over to his drum set.
"Sit." I followed his directions.
"Now, pick up the drum sticks." He handed me the sticks.
"Now, beat the crap out my drums." I did. And it felt good.
"Do you want to put on a mini concert for my family?" He asked.
"Sure." I said. Maybe it would take my mind off my mom.
We set up chairs, and found some strobe lights. I wore my favorite skeleton hoodie, and Josh just took his shirt off, which would surely distract me from singing.
"Damn son, you're hot." I said as I put my hands on his chest.
"You're not so bad yourself." He smiled and kissed my head. He was so warm. We took a break from setting up and sat on the couch to cuddle.
Josh was sitting and I laid down, head on his lap as he played with my hair.
"What are you two doing down here? I heard you moving stuff arou- wow. Are you guys putting on a show or something in our basement?"Ashley stopped as she walked down the stairs.
"Go tell mom to gather everyone down here." Josh said, and Ashley ran upstairs yelling for her mom.
"Let's do this." Josh sat down behind his drums, and I set up the microphone on my piano that Josh helped me bring to his house.
I saw Josh's dad, and Josh's eyes lit up. He was away on a business trip for a month, and he had just come home. Josh ran to his dad, giving him a giant hug.
When Josh was done, Mr. Dun introduced himself, and I shook his hand.
"So our first song is Ode to Sleep, enjoy!" We went through all three of our songs, and explained our band and where some of the lyrics came from and stuff like that.
Mr. Dun hadn't realized how broken I was, so when we were done, he ran up and hugged me.
"I'm glad Josh makes you so happy. You can call me dad."
"And you can call me mom."
"You're family." Josh said.
"Thank you so much, I love you guys." We formed a group hug, and I never wanted to let go.
"Alright Ty. I'm tired, let's go to bed." I almost went upstairs, forgetting that his room was in the basement.
"Josh, I'm cold. How do you still have your shirt off? This basement is freezing!" I said.
"I still have it off because when I first had it off, you said my chest was warm. So you can cuddle, and be warm." I nuzzled my face into the space between Josh's head and his shoulder.
"Do you want to have a lazy day tomorrow? School doesn't start again for another two weeks." Josh asked.
"That'd be perfect, babe." I answered. "Maybe we can dye your hair!"
"I was leaning towards doing red, maybe. How does that sound?"
"It suits you, and it'll be red for Christmas!" I answered excitedly.
"Why don't you dye your hair too, Tyler?" Josh asked.
"I'm fine with plain brown, I like it that way."
"I do too." Josh smiled. I felt so small next to Josh. Almost everything was small. Our band. Me. Life. And it got me thinking again. Bad thoughts.
"Josh, what would you do if I died?" I asked timidly.
"That's a heavy question, Tyler. I'd cry, and cry, and cry. I wouldn't stop until I got to see you again. Please, don't ever kill yourself. It may not seem like it, but I need you. Stay alive, babe." I wanted to cry again, but I'd done enough of that for today. I fell asleep under the covers of Josh's bed, in the comfort of his arms.
~
I'm here
I'm queer
The internet is here
And I've been gone forever
And I am deeply sorry
I love you all
I just needed a break
<3
