Ang Lexicon ni Alexi para kay Alex

love

love

noun

: the word that I could simply describe in a single sentence

Ms. Rodrigo and the rest of the English professors believe that in order for us to be good in English communication, we need to use it in daily conversations. Kaya nga nauso na naman ang "English-only policy" para ma-practice daw tayong mga estudyante na masanay at hindi na ma-nose bleed sa pag-e-English.

As expected, no one took the rule seriously. Tuwing walang nakabantay, Tagalog o Taglish parin ang usapan. Ms. Rodrigo was aware of this, kaya naman sa klase niya may naisip siyang ibang paraan para ma-practice kami ng todo.

She especially loves speeches at ito na ang naisipan niyang ipagawa sa amin. Gusto niya yung tatayo kami sa harap at magsasalita ng tungkol sa kung anong topic, of course, in straight English. Bago magsimula ang klase niya, may speech portion muna; parang appetizer bago ang main course. Not everyone was happy about it— lalo na ako.

Kung pwede akong magsimula ng rebolusyon, ginawa ko na. I don't like the idea of talking in front, lalo na kung kada-klase niya 'yon ginagawa. Three times a week means three times speech per week. Para lang kaming sasabak sa beauty pageant tuwing klase niya. (except that there's an allotted time to be able to think of what we would say in front)

So there's this box filled with cards. Bawat card, may salita. We need to choose one and then we're given a minute to compose. 30 seconds hanggang 1 minute din ang binibigay para magsalita sa harap. Spoken word o kahit anong style pwede basta may masasabi ka tungkol sa topic.

If only you could see Ms. Rodrigo's excited vibe everytime the "speech time" would begin, para siyang sadistang hindi na makapaghintay na latiguhin ang biktima. (I tried to shove aside my imagination of her wearing BDSM outfit. For some reasons, her dark red lipstick triggered my imagination.)

Nangyaring nabunot ko yung "love". Sinilip ni Charlie yung nabunot ko at tinawanan niya ako.

"Hirap," He whispered. Napasimangot na lang ako at nagtangkang pagpalitin ang cards namin. Yung kanya kasi "food". Papayag sana siyang makipagpalit kung hindi lang daw "love" ang nabunot ko.

I gave up and concentrated on the word that I should describe. (I preferred to describe it. Ayoko naman mag-share ng experience o magkwento tungkol sa first love ko) Nag-draft ako sa papel ng sasabihin kahit alam kong pagdating sa gitna, iba na yung lalabas sa bibig ko.

"Alexi, ikaw na." Sabi ni Tony pagkatapos akong tapikin.

My palms were already sweaty when I walked towards the center of the room. Naka-ilang beses na kaming nag-ganito pero parati na lang akong kinakabahan.

"Love is," I cleared my throat then continued, "when you try to talk about love and you still cringe but deep inside, you could feel your epileptic heart trying to survive an epic kind of convulsion."

I paused a bit, wiping the sweat on my forehead. God, high ang aircon tapos ganito!

"It is when you do something foolish and courageous at the same time, professing your feelings, forever willing to wait but not really expecting anything in return except for honesty. Love is when there is a space in between and a silence has taken over the scene yet everything still feels perfect. Then, when the gap has closed and warmth has been felt through a subtle touch, everything feels infinite. I'm running out of words because my mind is such a mess!"

Napa-iling ako at narinig kong may mga natawa.

"Love has the simplest meaning, yet I find it hard to spit out more poetic words to describe it. Probably, because my vocabulary is tragic," Natawa ako saglit bago magpatuloy. I noticed Charlie was smiling from afar.

"Or umm, I feel pressured because I believe it is somehow compulsory to put some flowery words so I could give justice to this word. Maybe I'm just thinking too much! I have thought of one great definition but I tried to conceal that behind other words.."

At lumabas na lang ang mga salita na wala sa plano kong sabihin sa harap.

"Love is you, your existence and every memory of you that lingers inside me forever. It can simply be defined by that single sentence. I think that's enough."

I stopped talking then smiled before I returned to my seat— it was a smile of relief. Tapos na kasi ako. I gave myself a pat on the shoulder. Good job, nagawa ko na naman mag-survive ng hindi nahihimatay sa gitna. Iba nga lang sa na-draft ko, pero ayos lang.

To my surprise, there was an applause. I saw Ms. Rodrigo smiled at me. (but it was more of a smirk, I think)

Sabi nung iba, kinilig raw sila. It was not my intention to make it sound so cheesy. But if one speaks about love, pwede nga bang mahiwalay 'yon sa salitang cheesy?

"Para ba yan kay Charlie?" Reina asked in a loud voice, Napatingin sa amin si Ms. Rodrigo.

"I mean, is that for Charlie?" Nalimutan ni Reina ang English-only policy.

I shook my head.

It was not for Charlie.

Hindi nga lang kasi kita classmate sa klase ni Ms. Rodrigo kaya hindi mo alam ang tungkol dito. And that time, I was glad you didn't hear those words. Baka asarin mo lang kasi ako at mamatay ako sa hiya.

But now, I summoned up my courage to write about this confession.

I love you, Alex. I really do.