Ang Lexicon ni Alexi para kay Alex

space

space

noun

: that thin line that sets apart my dream from reality

Valentines day— yet another day where you could see guys or girls holding boquets everywhere (and/or chocolates and/or teddy-bears), couples walking/sitting beside each other with that "I want to make out with you" look on their faces, couples who are in their "red" outfits or "couple" shirts, a lot of "harana" scenes inside the campus and hearts + cupid designs anywhere. Lahat ng 'yan isang malaking sampal sa mukha para sa mga single na kagaya ko.

The truth is, I never cared at all. I love the single life— No additional obligations or whatsoever. Walang LQ na p-problemahin. Walang selosan. Walang paranoid moments. Siguro nga totoo yung sinabi mo na baka kaya ko lang 'yun nasabi dati dahil ayoko lang magaya sa foster parents ko. I loved them so much even if they weren't my true parents that's why when they broke up, I got hurt. I told you that I never knew the reason why. Sabi mo nga sa'kin, at least, nakatira parin sila sa iisang bubong. They're still very civil with each other, but I could already see the gap between them- that space that I thought never existed before.

I still believe in love despite of this. Minsan nga lang naiisip ko, mas okay pa siguro mag-isa kaysa may kasama mo yung taong minamahal mo pero parang nasa ibang mundo naman siya. It sounds depressing, right? I could be the rebel type but in the case of my parents' break-up, I chose not to. Why the hell should I even make everything worse by adding up to their problems? Eversince that day when they declared their separation, they consistently act as if they are just acquaintances. Pag may okasyon naman kagaya ng Valentine's, wala na kong flowers na nakikita sa bahay. Wala ng sweet letters. Wala na lahat.

Marami ngang nagluluksa tuwing Valentines. I heard Tony said she'll celebrate Black (a.k.a Singles) day like how the Koreans do it— eat jjajangmyeon . I find it interesting—the symbolism of eating black-ish noodles because you don't have someone to cuddle with on Valentines. Do you think girls are more emotional on this occasion? Sa tingin ko kasi oo. Most girls would love the feeling of being showered with gifts and sweet anythings.

Like me, Charlie doesn't seem to care too much at all. Hindi ko nga lang sigurado kung may kinalaman yung annulment ng magulang niya sa pananaw niya sa pagiging single o sadyang nag-e-enjoy lang siyang maging malaya. I totally agree with him that being single is not that bad. Not that I feel lonely without a boyfriend. Honestly, I do, sometimes. But everytime I see Mom and Dad and remember that they must have been trying too hard to keep the family intact despite their problems, ayun, naiisip ko mas maganda pang maghiwalay at maging mag-isa kesa ganon. It's just an opinion. (the real-Catholics would probably want to stone me to death for being pro-divorce)

Bakit ikaw ang hopeless romantic mo? Sabi mo naniniwala ka na kahit anong problema kakayanin ng magkasintahan. You always believe that two people can do anything for the sake of love like what we normally see in fiction. I kind-of like your belief. Naisip ko kasi kung ganun ka mag-isip siguro ganun ka rin sa gawa. It's really sad to see when you make efforts for useless fights but at the same time it's interesting to see how you stick with your certain beliefs in love despite of negative events.

Like that one Valentines day when Charlie and I were with you instead of Jasmine. Badtrip ka na naman dahil nag-away kayo. You were planning to give her a surprise at home but she didn't show up because of a misunderstanding. We had some beers and chips inside your room that was decorated with cringe-worthy "I love you" banner and all that Valentine's design. I remember looking at that flower on your desk and wanting to have it.

"On the way going here, 'Lexi and I saw trucks on the other side of the road. Alam na kung sa'n papunta!" Sabi ni Charlie na gumawa ng maliit na hugis bilog gamit ang hintuturo at hinlalaki niya. I knew he was trying to cheer you up using that old joke of yours. "Balita ko fully-booked na naman ang mga motels."

"Oo, puno na naman ng used-condoms mamaya yung mga truck," you said with your most monotonous voice ever. Hindi ka naman natawa at hindi mo rin ginawa yung mga kadiri mong moves habang yun ang usapan.

Charlie put an arm around you and pinched your nose, "Alex, may iba pang Valentines day, okay? Lilipas din yan. Cheer up!"

Tumango-tango ka. "Alam ko. Happy ending ang fairytale na 'to. Bukas maaayos ko rin. Dapat."

And then we let you rant while we continued eating. Ikaw naman, inom ng inom. Pinatitigil ka na namin uminom pero tuluy-tuloy ka lang. Thoughts of you and Jasmine as husband and wife filled my mind. Mauuwi din ba kayo kagaya sa parents ko? Kagaya sa parents ni Charlie?

"'Pag ako boyfriend mo, ganito din ba gagawin mo sa'kin?"

Tinitigan mo ko, yung mga mata mo parang sa bangag na. I knew you were kind of drunk. Not so drunk but a little tipsy. Umupo ka sa tabi ko, sa may harapan ni Charlie.

"Lasing ka na, gago."

He threw a piece of Chippy on your face and you did the same.

"O ano na? Anong sagot?" Hinatak mo yung sleeve ng T-shirt ko.

"Hindi... Mas malala pa gagawin ko sa'yo, 'no!"

You finally laughed at that moment that I least expected it. Sumandal ka sa upuan at pumikit.

"Char, narinig mo 'yon? Harsh," sabi mo bago ka humikab. Tinapik ako ni Charlie at binulungan na hayaan ka na lang magsalita hanggang sa makatulog ka.

"Okay lang guys... Maaayos ko rin 'to. Ako pa. Ganyan naman si Jas, puro tampo. Di bale, maganda naman siya. Okay lang, kasalanan ko naman lahat parati. I'm an insensitive bastard. Bukas ipagluluto ko naman siya para malaman niyang minsan sensitive ako sa needs niya. Labhan ko pa pati damit niya. All of these in the name of love!" Tinaas mo yung dalawang kamay mo sa ere.

"Hi 'Lexi, I'm your Boy space friend!" pinalo mo ang braso ko bago ka nahiga sa sahig at duon ka na nakatulog.

..And indeed, I'm just your "girl space friend",

still bothered with what-ifs,

still wondering what it feels like

if we omit the space between girl and friend

and the "your" before it stays,

and if we finally remove that thin line—

that tiny space between you and I,

but for now, you're just my "boy space friend"

I still love the single life, Alex. 'Wag ka nga kasing magulo.