It Is What It Is

Hold Me

Depression is not something you can escape from. There's no getting better and staying better, there's only good days and bad days. At this point in Jessica's life, there were more good days than bad. She had her children, her grandchildren, acting, and her photography. When ever the kids would call everything would be right for a while. When a full day of shooting wrapped up and she was proud of her work, it always put a smile on her face. She felt at peace with herself when she took the perfect shot while walking the streets in Mexico City. These days were all good days.

But the bad days, well, Jessica preferred to forget about the bad days as much as she could. 

Unfortunately, today was a day that everything seemed to come crashing around her.

Jessica had gotten into a heated argument with her son, Walker, claiming that she worked entirely too much and that her work came before her family. Hannah texted her and told her that Adah had gotten extremely ill and was rushed to the E.R. Sam called and bitched at her because she wasn't able to drop everything and book a flight out there right away. And to top it all off, Jack, her standard poodle, had to be put down and out of his misery. To say that today was a bad day was an understatement. It wasn't the absolute worst day, but it was pretty up there.

All Jessica could do was cry. She couldn't go back home to New York because she was still filming Freakshow, and at the pace Ryan had them going at, she wouldn't have a moment off until Christmas break. Although, all she had to do was bring it up to Ryan and he would let her go in a heartbeat, Jessica couldn't make herself do it. She couldn't take advantage of him like that. 

Jessica knew everything would turn out okay with Adah. Hannah was her mother after all, and she would make sure that her daughter was cared for the right way, even if she had to fight to get things done. Even then, it still didn't settle Jessica's conscious. 

Sam calling and yelling at her didn't make things any easier. Jessica felt bad enough as it was, but to be called a bad mother and grandmother left her feeling hopelessly broken. Maybe he was right though? Maybe she should tell Ryan that the show will just have to go on without her for a while. Maybe she should tell Ryan that, to hell with it, she was done. 

Jessica started to think Walker was right, maybe she did put her work before her family.

God, it's times like this when I really need Jack. Jessica stroked the small urn she had sitting in her lap. Even though she lived alone, Jack always made her feel alive, even if that meant that all she could bring herself to do some days was get out of bed and walk him. She loved to talk to Jack, even though he couldn't talk back. That dog held so many secrets, she swore that if he told anyone, she would have to kill him. Jessica chuckled at the thought, but was then quickly filled with sadness. When Jack died, those secrets died with him.

Jessica couldn't control it anymore. She didn't bother to keep herself quiet like she normally would have, and the thin walls of the banger trailer didn't next to nothing to muffle the sounds of her sobs. Her whole body rocked with each cry, nothing short of pure raw emotion. All she could do was wrap her arms around herself and hang on for dear life.  

Sarah could hear Jessica's cries from outside the wall of their shared trailer. Sarah knew what was going on behind that door and she intended to help her friend. She quickly unlocked Jessica's side and made a beeline for the source of the sounds, the bedroom. Sarah dropped everything behind her, too concerned to care where anything landed. 

Jessica's explosive emotional state unnerved the younger woman. Sarah had never seen her so broken before. Jessica's body rocked with each intake of breath and she was wailing at the top of her lungs. Sarah struggled to fight her own emotions for her friends sake before she spoke.

"Jess?" 

"Sarah.." Jessica said in between sobs,"...please, Sarah please hold me. Please tell me everything's gonna be alright, because I don't know if it is. Please don't leave. Please don't fucking leave me like everyone does. Please!"

Sarah crawled on the bed and put her arms around Jessica as she continued to sob. Jessica latched on to Sarah's shirt and held on for dear life. Sarah, letting her tears fall freely, kissed Jessica's temple.

"I'm not gonna leave you. Not now. Not ever."