BULLIED 2

Submission 1149

I know my story might be similar to a lot of others, but here it goes.

I was teased and made fun of off and on throughout elementary school. It never really got that bad since I moved quite a bit growing up and went to multiple different schools in different states. It wasn't until I moved to another school half way through 5th grade that it got horrible.

I remember walking into the classroom and feeling so out of place because I was so small and innocent for a 5th grader at the time. I had always been really shy, but for some reason, I guess it was the way people looked at me, I was even more shy than usual. I felt really self conscious and it seemed like I watched every single step I made. People soon noticed how quiet and to myself I was until I made a friend. Me and her bonded when some guy was making fun of me because I still wore pigtails and I was trying to fire back with insults myself, (to no avail). She stood up for me and told the guy to leave me alone just to start getting teased herself. I was really self conscious and I even refused to wear a skirt because I had really bad eczema on my legs and was terrified that if I wore a skirt, I would be made fun of again. But she encouraged me to wear the skirt and no one said anything that was out of the ordinary; making fun of a song I was singing from a youtube video. After that though, we both stood up for each other and were bullied and made fun of brutally until the end of the year. Unfortunately, she and I lost contact.

In 6th grade, I went to a different school. Once again, I was really shy and still out of place. Only this time, I considered myself "prepared" for the bullying that was to come and it did. But I wasn't prepared. When I walked into the classroom, I felt like turning around and walking right back out. All eyes were on me and I felt like they were piercing a hole through my soul and it burned. I stayed quiet, I chose the seat as far back as I could, and tried to disappear in plain sight. Later on that day, in Science, there was a test (I came to the school about a month into the school year) and I had no clue of anything that was on it. I guess you could say that was the day I had my first panic attack. I got really frustrated and my body started shaking uncontrollably and I had a hard time catching my breath. I felt tears start to come out of my eyes and I put my head down to try and hide but it didn't work. One of the popular girls/ troublemakers of my class came up to me and saw me crying and announced it to the entire world. "Hey y'all the new girl's crying!" still echos in my head to this day. Some other girls and the science teacher himself came up to me to see what's wrong but it only made it worse. The teacher realized what was happening and made everyone return to their seats and sat at the able with me trying to calm me down and reassure me that since I was new in class, the grade I got on the test wouldn't matter. After kids found out why I was crying, the bullying started. I would be called names like crybaby, fat, stupid, and ugly. It got to the point where I became "friends" with the popular kids in class and started bullying other girls who were outcasts like me to make myself feel better. Things like that went on for the rest of the year and then come 7th grade, I moved away from there and moved back to my hometown. The bullying stopped, I made friends finally and all was well.

However, the damage was done. I was insecure about my body, my personality, and just myself in general and I still am. After being constantly told about my imperfections, I began believing they were real and I hated myself. Even though through 7th, 8th, and 9th grade I had friends and eventually a boyfriend who would tell me how much I meant to them and how good of a person I was, I still feel like a waste of space. I've considered self harm and suicide a few times. I've voiced how I felt to my closest friends and they've asked me to promise them I wouldn't hurt myself. My two best friends who I consider sisters and my ex boyfriend have my word that as hard as it gets and as much as it hurts, I won't hurt myself. It's been difficult but I'm slowly getting better. All thanks to having family and friends who I know love me.

ADVICE: It will hurt. They will make you go from feeling like a human being to feeling like next to nothing. What you have to do though, is stay determined. Keep up with your favorite hobbies, listen to your favorite music, and just be you. I've learned by becoming the bully that most times, the bully is going through their own problems and insecurities and so they make others feel as small as they do. What you have to do is never, ever, and I mean NEVER, give up. It will be hard but I promise you so much that even when you feel the most lonely, there is always at least one person who you mean a lot more to than you think. They love you so much and losing you will hurt them more than you were hurt in the first place. Please don't give up. Please don't hurt yourself. My sister told me one night when I was on the verge of hurting myself that suicide is permanent solution to a temporary problem. Whatever pain you feel is only temporary and you were meant to go through it so that you could learn from it. Please don't choose a permanent solution to this pain. I promise you that you're worth it. You're always worth it.