BULLIED 2

Submission 1178

Hey, it's Emily again, AKA Milly_Melli_1111. This is the sixth-eight grade portion of my bullied story. If you read the first entry that I wrote, you might think that this is going to be a dumb entry, but a lot more happened to me in middle school. Sorry if this drags on! By the way, I'm currently in quarter 4 of 8th grade, so there might be more that happens soon. 

 In sixth grade, I got called weird and a freak many times. I don't know if it was because I had my very own sense of style, or was just one of the students that paid attention and got good grades. I was sexually assaulted a few times, even on the first day of school, when I was late to a class (I had no idea where the classroom was), and there was one other kid in the hallway. He looked much older than me, and was walking closely behind me. Before I even realized how close he had gotten, I felt a hand squeeze my ass. I turned around and told him to keep his hands off me, before quickly walking away. Oh, and this other kid in my team touched my boob, butt, and *cough* area between the legs, all within the same week. I hate school. 

 In seventh grade, I instantly became good friends with a girl, who I shall call K, and her other friend, H, who she had a crush on. She also was friends with a girl that I'll call HD (not to be confused with H), who I occasionally spoke to. I developed a deep crush on K, and was heartbroken when she started dating HD (no, not H. He comes later). They only dated for a few days, but stayed friends. I thought that after this, I should maybe confess my love to her, but I never did, which was a VERY big mistake. She started dating H, and to this day, they haven't broken up. It's been well over a year now. This utterly destroyed me, and still upsets me when I think about it. I eventually told K that I liked her, and she told me that she liked me back! I was so happy. I thought that maybe if she and H broke up one day, that she might date me. I even remember her telling me that when she looked at me, she wanted to scoop me up and kiss me. My heart melted when she told me this. I felt like the happiest person in the world then, but that didn't last long. 

 One day shortly after she told me these things, she told H that I liked her. She denied ever telling me that she liked me back, and my heart broke. I didn't know why she would do something so cold to me. Both K and H told me that I needed to suck it up and find somebody else to have a crush on, but that didn't help me at all. I could never get over my love for her. I don't exactly remember what time of the year this was, I think maybe towards the end of seventh grade. 

 Oh, right. I forgot to mention the first time I cut myself. It was the day before Thanksgiving, 2015. I was home alone, and K and I were fighting via text. I just got so upset, so I went to the bathroom drawer and grabbed a nail file with a pointed tip, and started to carve a line into my leg. That same night, I was playing Graal Online Classic. A group of players ganged up on me and made fun of my status and my hours, and then started calling me much worse names, like cunt and emo, and faggot. This was around the same time that I discovered I was bi. I turned off my iPod and grabbed the same nail file from that morning, and started to dig into my skin. I also remember a few nights later, we were about to leave for a musical at Proctors. My grandparents were over, and my sister kept making fun of me and being mean to me in front of my family. She was embarrassing me, I didn't appreciate it. Nobody was doing anything about it, they just kept talking to each other and ignored her teasing. Eventually, I went upstairs to escape her, but she followed me and started making fun of me again. I started to get mad at her and called her an ass hole, which led to her pushing me into a bookshelf, before storming into her room. That's when I pulled down my tights and started cutting again. 

 After I cut myself for the first time, I couldn't stop. Every bad thing that happened to me, I would cut. Especially fights with K. I didn't know why we fought so much. 

 Anyways, we were at the Snowball, a winter dance at my school, and I was sad because K and H were kissing and being flirty. I felt like dying, knowing that she loved him more than she would ever love me. She saw that I was sad, and she kissed me on the cheek. I was so fucking happy. She took me to the bathroom, and I thought she might kiss me, but instead she just told me that I would find somebody aside from her that would make me happy. 

 After that night, though, K and I started holding hands at school. People made fun of me so much for that. They would call me a third wheel and a lesbian, and tell me that I was just trying to be in a love triangle with K and H, but I didn't like H like that! I wondered why they called me these things, but not K. 

 Another thing that happened in seventh grade was that I tried to talk to this guy that I liked, who I can call G. He was funny and smart, but I could tell he wasn't happy. I wanted to talk to him, wanted to help him. One day, people were saying that he had started crying in science, because a couple classmates were telling everybody that G had a YouTube channel. I gmailed him and asked him if he was okay, but all he responded with was that he deserved what happened in science. He wouldn't answer me after that. A few weeks later I gmailed him again and asked him for his phone number, and that I wanted to be friends. He rejected me. I went to the school bathroom and cried for the rest of the class. My heart was broken, once more. After that, he would look at me several times during whatever class we had together. I couldn't tell if he did like me and just didn't want people to make fun of him for feeling that way, or if he didn't like me and felt bad for hurting me. 

 Over the summer, K and I got in our last fight. She told me to never talk to her again. I cut so much because of that. She texted me a bit before school started up again, and asked to be friends, but I was still mad and hurt. I was cussing her out and fighting with her, and just altogether pissed. But a couple days after school started, we were friends again. I still had a lot of doubt in her, and had lost so much trust. We were fine for a while, until a couple months ago. She had lately been saying lots of rude things, without even realizing how hurtful they were. Then, I was showing her the bathing suits I liked, and she told me how much she hated bathing suits, because she didn't want people to see her scars. I told her that I was really worried about the five really deep and ugly scars on my thighs, and showed me a picture of her thighs. You literally couldn't see any scars. She told me that hers were way worse than mine, and I thought it was ridiculous that she was competing about how bad our scars were. Wtf. When I told her to stop talking about it, she said, "Whatever. It's your fault that you have the scars, anyways." WHAT THE HELL? It's her fault that she has them too! She's such a hypocrite! And then she randomly says, "Maybe people would like you more if you weren't so emo." I was fed up, and got so pissed at her. We are basically enemies now. I'm so mad at myself for not realizing sooner that she was using me for her own personal gain. She made me get rid of all of my friends, and I didn't even realize. But I'm doing better now. I have loads more friends than her. She only has one friend, and H. And it's her fault, too. Pretty much everybody in school hates her, and I see why. A lot of my friends and I share a common hate for her. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I'm almost 50 days clean. But I still have trust issues and am afraid to tell my crush that I like him (but who isn't). My heart is still broken, and I still feel used.