BULLIED 2

Submission 1158

  I wasn't really the one being bullied and I cant say that I didn't take part in anything related to bullying, I don't really know what to say but what happened has really left a big scar and sense of guilt in me.

There was this girl who I have been friends with since I was like 6 or maybe even younger, we were so close to each other, she was practically family. We went to school together, we were ALWAYS together but all that changed when we were going into high school. I don't know how it is in other countries but from where I am from once we finish with middle school, the school we are in will transfer us to a high school of their choice based on what they feel is most suited for us. I was really sad at the thought of possibly being alone in a new school without my bestfriend but fortunately, she was also transferred to the same high school as me. The first few months of 7th grade was perfectly fine until I noticed that other students were calling my bestfriend names and hiding her stuff, but we just ignored everything because at the time it wasn't serious at all. But when it started to get worse, I suddenly felt scared, I didn't know why but that 'scared' feeling wasn't that kind of feeling where I was scared something bad would happen to her, but I was scared for myself, like something would happen if I didn't get away.

This is when I very slowly started to distance myself from her. After, I started ignoring her I found new friends, they were the 'popular' ones. We became just as close as I had been with my other friend (I'm just going to call her A now). I guess I also started to change, I worked so hard to build an image for myself as someone who was tough and didn't really care much about anyone but myself. Anyway, A was getting bullied even more by the entire grade and I'm ashamed to say that I had a role in it too, but I didn't do anything as bad as everyone else, just an occasional name calling and getting angry at her for no reason, telling her she was worthless or something. Here's a little extra but around this time there was this really weird kid, not weird in a bad way but in a way that he just had his own little world and just did alot of funny weird things. I was really annoyed by him at the time but he still hangs out with us alot.

But back to the story, one day, in 10th grade I went to the washroom during class and I had seen A sitting on the toilet floor and just quietly crying, she didn't really notice that I was there, I just stood there, staring at her, at that moment I felt like my heart was being ripped into pieces, I wanted to go to her and hug her and ask if anything was wrong, but of course, my ego got the best of me and I just acted as if I didn't see anything. Few day later, she stopped coming to school but no one else actually noticed until our homeroom teacher had walked into our class that morning and told us that A had passed away. I felt like the entire universe had just fallen right infront of me, the whole day I couldn't stop thinking about her but everyone else had already forgotten. When I got home I just couldn't stop crying. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven for abandoning her like that. If only I had stayed by her side, if only I had gone to her in the toilet and asked if she was okay.

I'm not trying to ask for any pity, I'll probably get alot of negative comments for this but I just really wanted to get my story out, because no one else here will listen to what I have to say. When I told my 'popular' friends about this they didn't care at all and just told me to get over it. (Chose the wrong friends I guess) I also want people to know how bad and responsible I feel about this but I don't know how to express it. My father tells me its just how society works and it wasn't my fault. But it is my fault.