BULLIED 2

Submission 1181

The first time it happened, I was six. I had been at the school for a few weeks so I was still new to it. On top of that, it was a different country and I barely knew English. 

Maybe that's why they picked on me? 

 These two kids, twins (bully 1&2), who went by van just like me started taunting me. 

 I was always been (and still am) one of the smallest looking girls in out year/ grade. So I guess I was an easy target? 

 Since I was new, I didn't really know many people and I hadn't found any friends. I felt so down. I decided that I'd go find my cousin (two years older than me). He didn't make me feel better. He and his friends kept taunting me, to the point where I gave up on them. I ran to the bathroom and spent the rest of recess in there. 

Weeks later, I had a few friends, but none that I was really close to. One day, the twins decided to taunt me in school, during recess. They thought no one was around, even I thought that. But out of nowhere, one of the prefects appeared. He (f1) told them to 'sod off' and forced the truth out of me. 

 f1 was my first genuine friend. He protected me, helped me and didn't mind that I was four years younger. He was there for me. 

 He introduced me to his German friends. I got along with the boys. The girls... not so much. I was a tomboy, climbing trees, playing football and I always hung out with the boys. 

 The next few years were great. I met my first female best friend (f4), became the top student in the class, and was accepted by everyone. Of course, I should've known it wouldn't last. Only, this time, it was problems with my family. 

 I've never been all that close to them, even though I was an only child for 8 years. On the 17th of August 2010, my first brother was born. I knew everything would change, I knew that they'd pay less attention to me, I understood that. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that I was being forced out of the picture throughout the years. We moved states that year too. New school, new friends. Or rather fake friends. That was near the end of fourth grade. Everything was so different for me. My new school was way behind my old one. I know a couple of people mocked me for being better than them at English. I tried so hard to fit in with them because I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere, if it wasn't home, maybe it was school that I'd belong in. I completely changed myself and my hobbies. I stopped writing poetry, I stopped playing football, I stopped climbing trees, I stopped talking to boys, I even changed my accent from a British one to an American one. I tried to fit in at school and I tried to be the 'perfect' daughter, thinking that it would make my parents proud of me. I don't think they were/ are. In fifth grade, I started feeling sadder and by the time I was 11 (sixth grade) I wasn't happy. At all. I didn't know what to do. I pushed away all the memories from my old school, I wanted to forget that I had been much happier elsewhere. 

 In sixth grade, I was separated from my only friend (f2) because we both had the same name. She found new friends, she still hung out with me but it just wasn't the same. I didn't have any friends. I was just that loner who walked behind the crowds and pretended to part of their discussion. Then a new girl (f3) came and I liked her. We became friends. But this other girl (bully 3) who always competed with me for everything made sure that I'd always be a loner. I never realised it back then, but she was bullying me a little. She'd blame things on me, exclude me from things, throw pencils at me, stab me with pencils and she always took people away from me. After a couple weeks, I just gave up. I just tagged along behind people, never really speaking. 

Since we were the seniors in primary school, we had to manage the school yearbook. I was one of the directors and of course, bully 3 had to force her way into becoming the assistant director. I purposely didn't choose her for my team and she made sure to get back at me. I worked really hard on the yearbook content. The finished yearbook was revealed on our graduation night. The committee was awarded and got the yearbook for free. When I opened it, nothing, not even a single word of the yearbook, was my work. Everything I did had been removed and redone by bully 3 

 In 2017, my youngest brother was born. By then, I had a very strained relationship with my parents, at least, on my side. I was in seventh grade, made friends with the girl I met in sixth grade (f3) and felt a little happier. But the second my brother was born, I felt like the odd one out even more. Being the typical subcontinent parents, I was blamed for pretty much every bad thing my brothers did. 

 I became even more closed off and disconnected from people other than a few friends. In eighth grade, things started looking up a little. We did creative writing and I slowly eased out of my shell. I created wattpad and I felt so much better. My family was financially unstable at that time (still are) so I couldn't afford anything. I would apparently 'waste money on useless things' whilst it was completely fine for my brothers to get hoards of new toys and to get spoiled. That year, I decided to just ignore that I was practically a stranger in my own family and focus on school. 

 At the end of eighth grade, both of my best friends left the school. One (f3)went to Bangladesh, the other (f2) went to a homeschooling centre. 

 This is my last week in grade 9 and I have no friends. I feel so paranoid. Everyone uses me and forgets that I even exist after that. I sit in class for the majority of snack and lunch time, pretending to be asleep because the boys are in class too. I usually go around by myself. I made friends with four people but we aren't that close. 

 At the beginning of this school year, it wasn't like this. I had friends. I had people to hang out with, people to talk to. But one 'friend' (someone who thinks we're friends but we're really not, I just can't say no to her) kept tagging along wherever I went. No one liked her. Even I don't. She just wouldn't leave me alone. Soon enough, she started sitting in my place at the lunch table, and I just distanced myself from everyone. I felt so unhappy. I felt bad if I was happy. I cried myself to sleep almost every other night. 

 It got so bad that I decided to go to the school counsellor. She didn't help me at all. Half the time she was talking about her own daughter and how much of a good Muslim her daughter was. My own parents were telling me to be more religious and the fact that my counsellor said that just pissed me off. I never went to her ever again. I just continued faking a smile. I gave up on trying to fit in. 

I just finished my final exams this week. In August, I'll be a tenth grader. I don't think anything will be better. My school only has two streams available: Sciences and Humanities. I picked humanities and my parents aren't pleased at all. My mum's neutral, I guess she realised that I have no interest in being a doctor or a nurse. My dad wants me to do architecture and pretty much said "You're so lazy, I don't remember raising a lazy person. You're just looking for the easy way out of life, aren't you? Taking humanities, just because it's easy? You want to become an editor because it's easy?" 

 Can I just say, he's never been there for me? How dare he talk about raising me when half the time, he doesn't even know how old I am. He was never there. I get that he has to work... but the second one of my brothers get a cold, you'll be showing up at our door. I nearly get admitted to the hospital for mild pneumonia or get food poising, where were you then? 

 I don't care anymore. I hate how no one notices. My so called 'friends' (not f1, 2 or 3) don't know shiz about me. They're so blind. They didn't notice when I was gripping the railing in the elevator because you could see the road from below (I'm afraid of heights. I literally told them a day before this happened) they had the friggin audacity to ask me why I'm always so lonely... I was cursing them out in my head. I created a new Wattpad profile afterwards so that I could really write what was on my mind. I want my poetry to be real, it was, but on my first account, I couldn't write poetry based on my past because I knew that my 'friends' would question me. 

 I have close to no social life. I'm always kept out of the loop because I don't have any social media all thanks to my overly strict subcontinental parents. We hardly agree on anything. i think the longest conversation I've had with them since 2011 was less than 10 minutes. 

 I just want to graduate and get out of here. I don't know which is worse. To get bullied, or to be excluded. 

 I can't say I know a way of making it better. I don't. I just find ways to make it easier to cope; writing poetry, reading, art. I owe it to one person on Wattpad. She convinced me to publish my poetry and to keep writing poetry. She doesn't even know it.