2AM Thoughts

That's Why

"I'm sorry, I am so sorry. I really don't know what else I can say or do to make you hear that. I love you and I miss you. I miss everything about us. I want you back so please just forgive me already. Stop being so angry and acting like you hate me, when you're really just hurt. I know I hurt you, I understand now. But I've been hurt too. Many, many, many times. You can't even begin to imagine all the times I've cried myself to sleep. Or all those moments that I had scissors against my flesh, ready to slice, but I didn't. What about when I have my panic attacks. Why not mention my isolation periods. You make it seem as though I live a perfect life when I'm drowning. My life sucks, you know that? Of course you don't. No one does. My life is miserable and I blame myself. I blame myself for my parents paying way more attention to my siblings. I blame myself for everyone calling me ugly and fat. I blame myself for feeling guilty and regretful after one bite of food. I blame myself for adults shaming me. I blame myself for peers pushing me away. I blame myself for losing all of the things I care about. I blame myself for everything. But I can't change. I tried every single day to be good enough, but I never will be. For you or for anyone. I deserve to be alone. I'm going to die alone and unhappy because how can anyone else love me when I can't even love myself. I hate myself, okay? I wish I was dead 90% of the time. The other percent, is when I'm playing music. I want to die if life is truly like this. If my life is going to be like it is now, it's really not worth it, at all. Life is not beautiful. Far from it. It's sickening and painful. Ugly and fake. Dirty and scary. Why do so many people fight for their lives when I'm fighting to get out of mine? How can I be happy? Please tell me because if someone doesn't soon, I'm not going to be around much longer. But just know that, I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you but I hate myself. So I understand why you hate me. I know why now, just take one glance at me. That's why."

"It is why, isn't it? All those reasons, they're true and that is why. Look at you, you filthy girl. Life isn't worth it, your's anyways. So I dare you, do it. Don't be a coward. Kill yourself. No one will miss you anyways. It's not like you're your sister. It's not like you're beautiful or skinny. It's not like you ain't obsessed with food. It's not like adults like you. It's not like you have friends. It's not like you care about anything besides yourself. You'll never change and I am not hurt. I've just woken up. Try it, Princess. After you're 6 feet under of course. So goodbye, no one will miss you. Especially me. Funeral? More like celebration. Grave? More like ditch. A ditch for the bitch, how clever. I'll be sure to add that to the cheers. Bye baby girl. You thought this was hell? That's straight where you're going." He snickered and walked away without a hint of regret or guilt.

That night she did it.

She quit being a coward and killed herself.

She commit suicide.