Cancer

18. Bad Company - Louisa's POV

After a long, difficult fight with my pain, I slowly slide my eyes open. I squeeze my hands together and move my toes. It's not like the last time. Luckily. I smile weak. I'm hurting, but I am alive. I look at Frank, who's asleep beside of me. My dad is awake, I think? He's looking at me, eyes open, but he looks so tired. I open my mouth to speak, but I realize the oxygen mask first. I groan. I squeeze my eyes. That hurt. I reach my hand up to take off my mask. I get it and throw it off. I don't want to be here anymore. "Haven't you slept?" I ask dad, who's waking up, looking at me shocked. I sit up, with my IV's in, feeling dizzy, but I am okay. "Wow, lay down, sweetheart." Dad say grabbing me, before I start walking. "I am okay. I don't need to be here anymore." I say happily. I am feeling on top of the world. As if, nothing can beat me. I am still feeling ill, and the hurting in my lungs of course. But I am okay. "Louisa?" I hear Frank almost gasp behind me. I smile and turn to him. "Frankie!" I breathe happily. He smiles at me. He hugs me tight, kissing me. "You have to go back in bed, baby." I frown, and do what he says. As I lay down, I pull the red string to signalize a doctor I am awake.

"Are you in pain?" Charlie asks me, as he led Frank and Dad out to be alone and "take some tests on me."
I nod. "Yeah, my lungs are burning, and my breathing is pretty bad." I admit to him, struggling. He gives me a string with two pins in it, and put it in my nose. He connects it to a mobile-pulling-oxygen-bottle-thing. "It's an alternative for your mask. You have to have this on 24/7." He explains and I nod, breathing almost at my own standard.
"Are you feeling dizzy or any kind of sick?" He asks after a schedule. I nod again, admitting my ill-feeling. He nods and sit an X in the box.
"Can you walk by yourself?" He asks and let me stand. "Easily." I point out and start walking. "Oops. Don't forget Sir. William." Charlie winks at me; pointing at the mobile-oxygen-bottle-trolley. I shake my head at Charlie. "Really?" I laugh. He nods. "Your new best friend, who will follow you everywhere you go." He jokes on.
"Do you think you're ready to come home? Like, honestly?" He asks. Is he giving me a choice here? I frown. "Do I get to decide?" I ask back at his question. He nods. "But you have to be honest with me." I nod, of course. I am the worst liar in the whole universe. "I want to go home." I say turning my head to face the door to my family, including Frank. Charlie shakes his head. "Lou, focus, it is not about what you want. It's about what you need." I nod at his statement. I think it over. The thoughts rushes through my head, and I start thinking about myself instead of everybody else. I do not want to die in here. I do not want to let the next adventure go. I have to live for the fullest and not rot in this hospital. If I am going to die soon, I want to live now.
"I need to go home." He nods and hands me Sir. William, and go out to the others together. "Take care of the oldie and he will take care of you." Charlie winks at me referring to Sir. William. I give him a bow and he laughs. "I'll see you soon." He waves and walk off. I turn to Frank and Gerard smiling. "Me and Sir. William are ready to go home." I approach standing straight, smiling. They look at each other, and grin at me. "Okay then. Let's go."

Dear friend
I am back! I am alive. I am not dead anymore.
I just got back home. I have been "gone" for a week, after my accident with a panic attack. Apparently, my cancer got worse some time ago, but nobody really noticed, and there wasn't really anything to do about it. Charlie, you know, my doctor told me, I do not have much time yet. As in; I am going to die in a short amount of time. He will give it a week. Highest. Of course I am afraid of dying, but I am more afraid to hurt the people around me. The worst thing about cancer is not what it does to you, but what it does to the people who loves you. Now I know, I have to leave them soon, and I feel so bad about it.
However, I am back on track with Sir William, my oxygen-trolley.
The whole family are over, and we are just having a good time.
I will live for the fullest now, because I know I will die very soon.
How do I feel? Well, I am definitely not okay. If I take the oxygen thread away, I cannot breathe.
I am weak, and sick.
I throw up blood on normal basis now. We all know it.

I turn off my computer and put it under my bed. I look up and see Frank watching me. "What?" I ask him, smiling innocent. "I missed you." He admits coming closer. I kiss him and hold him into me. "I love you, my guy-man." He giggles and kisses me back. "I love you too my woman-girl." I grin into his mouth and start making out with him. He start's moaning into my mouth, and my breathing gets worse. "I'm sorry." I apologize as I pull away. He shakes his head. "Don't worry." He smiles understanding.
"Walk with me?" He asks and hands out for my hand. I nod and intertwine our fingers. We walk out to the others together. My naked head or Sir William does not embarrass me anymore, as when I had my "accident." I look up at Gerard and smile. He looks so proud, yet weak. He knows, I don't have much time yet, but he doesn't know the actual time. Mikey comes closer, hugging me. I hold around him and enjoy his cologne and him being here. "You look so bad ass with that rolling box." Ray says and points at Sir. William. I giggle and put a hand on the push-up handle of him. "Sir. William." I correct him. "And we're bad company, so watch out, young lady." I tell Ray. His jaw drops, and the others start laughing. "Definitely a Way." Lyn-z grins. I look at my mom smiling. I let Frank and Ray talk nerdy about some song, they heard together, when they were teens. I walk with Lyn-z to the fridge. I need a soda. "How are you doing mentally with all of this?" She asks me, sitting on the island in the kitchen. I take a Fanta, and slurp the half of it in me. I turn to her, placing Sir. William next to me. As Charlie told me to, I always have Sir. William by my side. I think about her question before speaking up. "Well," I look down in my Fanta, before handing the rest to her. She drinks from it, watching me. "I'm okay. I will die. Soon. We all know it. However, I am going to live my life for the fullest, instead of just wait for Mr. Death." I smile dealing, accepting my situation. She nods understanding my confession.
I remember Charlie say something about my funeral. I know, it's a depressing thought, but it's not. It's the last goodbye. I think it is beautiful. I know the guys also think that. "Can I ask you something?" I ask Lyn-z as we sit in silence just enjoying each another's company. She faces me again, nodding. "Yup, what's up?" She crashes the Fanta can and throws it in the trashcan. I giggle. "Ways." I say playfully, rolling my eyes. "Exactly." She winks at me. "Well." I say, start tracing my fingertips on the island surface. "When I was younger, my foster dad and I was looking for clothes together. For my funeral. In case, you know." I look up at her, and she nods understanding. "We found this ugly dress, I didn't want to wear, but he compelled me, and we bought it." I roll my eyes. I really hate that dress. I mean, I would love to burn it, but it's at my old house. "It's at my old house, and I don't want it back. I look like a raisin in it. Please, don't make me wear it." I giggle. She laughs at long with me. "Well, it's your funeral, what do you WANT to wear?" I fold out a paper from my pocket. I've had it in there a couple of years now, adding stuff. "Don't judge." I tell her, and show her my funeral plans. She looks through it, and giggles at some of the things. She looks at the lower part of the paper and smiles. "A Black Parade jacket." I nod. I've always wanted to be buried with a Black Parade jacket on. Ever since I got cancer, and I knew I should die, MCR was my hope. I smile, as she looks up again. "Black combat boots?" I nod smiling wry. "I'm a weird kid, what can I say?" I shrug. She jumps down from the island and hugs me. "But you're my weird kid." I giggle along with her and hug her back. We join the others again after she asked me, if she could keep my list. I told her sure.