Cancer

16. Right here

I turn off my computer and look up at Frankie, smiling. He smiles back down at me. I put my computer on the dinner table and Frankie sits down on a chair next to me. We are in my family's company, which means; we're friends, not a couple. Lyn-z comes into the room handing me a cup of hot chocolate and a cup of coffee to Frank. She sits down in front of me. "You look very tired." She comments and stroke my cheek. I lean my head against her warm, soft hand. I really am tired. I yawn as an instinct. "I could use a nap." I say and watch Gerard grow a smirk, as he walks by with Bandit in his hand and a notepad in the other. He sits down with Bandit on his lap, and socialize with his family. "Teenagers now a days." Bandit sighs shaking her head and we laugh. Lyn-z smiles at me, handing me a blanket from the blanket stack behind her. I take it and transform myself to a comfortable sushi-role. "Go get a nap." Lyn-z nods at the sofa. I do, as I am told and lay down on the couch, hiding my head under the blanket. I hear my family talk in the distance. I have some kind of "power," if you'd call it so. I can keep up with people's conversations even though I am off to sleep.
"I'll get her oxygen mask." Gerard says, and I hear him walk off. Not long time after, I feel my mask be placed around my mouth and nose, and it get's easier to breathe. Easier to fall asleep. "There you go, sweetheart." He says and pets my hair. I hear him leave me, but the door doesn't creak closed, meaning, they are probably watching me.
"I'm glad, seeing you happy, Frank." Lyn-z says, keeping her voice down, not to wake me up. What does she mean by that? Frank is the one, making me happy, not opposite. Or? "She makes me happy." Frank says I can hear the smile in his voice. My boy. I smile in my sleep, and keep listening. "And you make her happy." Gerard points out. "She talks about you, when you're not here, and even if you just went to go shopping. It's obvious, it isn't just a friendship, Frankie. However, I am glad you two have each other, but I swear to God, if you break her heart." Gerard stops talking, by slamming his palm against the table surface I guess. I open my eyes in shock, looking at the wall, my body is facing. "I will break you." Gerard threats him. I groan to signalize I am waking up. Frank comes into me, and sits down on the couch with my feet. I look tired up at him, he's watching Gerard's gaze, nodding, agreeing on his threat.
He turns his face to me, and strokes my legs with his hand. "Hi sweetheart, did you sleep well?" he smiles blushing at the nickname he gave me. I nod, yawning. "Yeah, what about you?" I say not thinking it over. I shake my head and apologize. He wraps his arms around me, and I look behind me to see if the door is closed. It is. I'm tangled in his round arms, half sitting on him. I pull him down over me, smirking. Our forehead slams together, and both of us groan in pain. "I'm sorry." I giggle and he giggles along. "Well, someone likes it rough." He winks at me. I grab him by his hips, squeezing. "You know it." I moan lightly into his ear. I giggle at our childish, but sexual play. He lies down beside me, putting an arm around me kissing the top of my head. "I talked to your parents." He says looking into my innocent eyes. I know, but he shall not know, I know. "Huh?" I ask, as dumb as I am. "Yeah, they know about us." He smiles. I nod smiling back, as an 'okay.' He leans his face closer to mine, we're only millimeters apart. I feel his breath on my lips. He looks at my lips and I am looking at his. "Are you going to kiss my or what Fishy-Frank?" I tease him, putting my hands on each side of his head. He smirks and kisses me, not rough nor soft. Not a horny or rushed. Just a lovable longed kiss. I let his tongue enter my mouth and go on exploring, still just loving.
We pull away looking at each other. Frank suddenly looks down squeezing his eyes together. His mouth is still open. He keeps looking down, and doesn't say anything. I start to worry. He looks up at me, closing his mouth, but lets his head drop down again. "What is it?" I ask nervous, a little scared. I put my hand on his cheek, comforting him. He leans his face against it. Smiling weak. Looking into my eyes, showing off he has tears in his eyes. "Before I met you." He stops and looks around, as if to make sure, nobody else is watching. "I was a mess. I was a loser, like big time. I had no friends other than the band and of course, Lyn-z. In a very young age, I was bullied very bad, and that cause to not having any friends in my college years as well. I thought nobody wanted me. I thought it was my fault. I started believing them, that I was just some prick walking around. "A waste of air," as they called me, so I started punishing myself." He says sniffling. I look at him, with a sad facial expression, but I don't say anything, I need to hear this. Understand this. He rolls up his sleeve and shows of his tattoos. "Under this one," he traces his finger over a larger tattoo on his under arm. "I have made some very bad cuts with a knife." He sniffles again, breathing deeply. I put my hand in his, showing him, I don't blame him. I like him, I don't like what he's done to himself, but he is still perfect to me. "After that, I realized, I shouldn't be doing that. I knew it was wrong. I had to find something. Something, that meant the world to me. Some kind of happiness." He looks up at me. "I found it. I found my happiness, or well, it found me." He smiles and I smile weak. "You are my life, Louisa. It hurts when, I am away from you." He stops and I smile at him. "You are everything I want. Only you. I love you so much." A tear falls from his honest eyes, showing he means what he says. I wipe away the tear with my thump, still watching his watery eyes. "You see," I start, sitting up, facing him. I smile wry. "I am not glad for what you did to yourself," I refer to his cuts. He nods understanding. "But you're still perfect in my eyes. You are my hero. You make my days worth to live for the fullest." We're talking old days, anyway, so why not tell him how I felt back then? I scoff, looking away. "Before you met me." I bite my teeth together. "Before anyone here met me. I used to think life was ridiculous. You live, for a while and then you die. I got the chance of living for fifteen years, until I got a message saying: I will probably die in a few years. Great message I know." I say with my sarcasm, don't forget; I am sarcasm Inc. I am not going to cry over my cancer, I know I will die, so please, feelings do not make me cry. I take a deep breath, continuing. "I started to push people away from me, so I didn't have to deal with friends or neighbors or anything." For once again, I realize it. "Away from my parents." My eyes tears up. I shake my head, no. I am NOT going to cry. "I didn't have that much friends to be honest. It was only Adam, Josh and Alex, but they still count." I smile wry at the memories showing up in my head. We were only kids back then. "So I was the lonely, sick kid. My parents believed, they would find a way to cure me, that I wouldn't die. It's all about realizing. Gerard and Lyn-z realized it before anyone else. You realized it before my brother. He hasn't realized it yet though. He just... Left." That's enough to get me to the edge. I let the tear fall from my eye and down over my cheek. Frank does not dry my eyes, he looks at me understanding, waiting for me to keep going. "Before I met you, I had already given up." I say bluntly. "I didn't live. I was already dead. On the inside. I was waiting for death to come and take over." I start staring at the white wall behind Frank, when I imagine myself being in the situations of my life stories. "The night, my parents died, we had a big fight. I went to bed. Late night, I lost myself. I thought it was it, that I was going to die. My parents rushed to my room to get me to the hospital, but on our way there. They-" I feel myself sob under my heavy hoarse breath. "The car crashed, and THEY died, NOT ME." I look into Frank's eyes. He's all blurred for my sight. My tears. I squeeze my eyes, letting the tears stream. I dry my cheeks and eyes with my sleeve. "That's where, I decided to live, but there was still something missing. I mean, you can live, but you have to have love, to actually feel. That's where I met you, Frank. You are my power to my battery. You are the love of my life. I do not want to live without you, because a life without you sucks. I love you so much it hurts." I cry. "But I shouldn't." I say, and cry harder, making my chest hurt. My lungs are burning, but I ignore it on purpose. He looks sad at me. "I am sick, Frank. In a few weeks, months, years, if we're lucky, I will not be here anymore. And if I let you love me, I will break you in the end." I explain crying into my hands. I hear him sob as well. I look up at him. He dries his eyes, looking serious at me. He takes my hands stroking them with his thumps. He catches my eyes, watching his eyes. "Let me love you. Even if it can't be forever. Just let me be yours, Louisa. Don't leave me." I hug him into my body, feeling him. He holds me tight as well. "Don't leave me, Frank." I breathe in his ear. He shakes his head. "I won't let you go."

Dear Friend
Frank and I had a heart-to-heart today. He's lying next to me now, sleeping. Both of us cried. It was very intense. I tried to prepare him to lose me, when I die. It didn't work. He really loves me, my friend. It's not just some teenage crush, this is real.

"What are you writing?" Gerard asks interested in my doings. He's sitting in the armchair next to me, but he cannot see my screen. My eyes are dry, but if you look close enough, it's obvious, I've been crying. "Just random text." I say facing the computer in my lap again. I decide to let it be. I close the computer and put it carefully on the coffee table. I look sad at my phone on the table, then Frank, then Lyn-z and Gerard. I sigh. I feel like crying. I feel like screaming. I feel like letting go. The thought of leaving Frank and my family drives me crazy. However, who can I talk to, who will understand what it is like? No one. Plus, I don't want to talk, I just want to be held and cry. Sometimes you just need a good old cry. I go back to staring at the wall in front of me. Just letting my thoughts hit each other, as a mental fight club.
"Are you okay, honey?" Gerard asks worried. I shake my head, no. I gulp, stopping my tears from leaving my eyes. He leans over, resting against his arms on his knees. "What's going on?" he asks further. He is worried, I can tell. "I just want to cry." I say and sniffle. He frowns at me, looking at Lyn-z, and back at me. I pull off the blanket and rise to my feet, leaving the room left to them. I can't stand myself right now. It hurts. Not in the cancer-way. But in the feeling-way. I hear the door close behind me, and see Gerard come closer. He reaches out for me. I accept and he holds me tight. I let go of my tears and cry into his shoulder.
After crying for a while, I close my eyes. "Want to tell me, what's going on?" He asks me with his calming, warm voice. "I am afraid." I say with my husky voice. I need my oxygen mask, but I will rather suffer. I may be a little masochistic. He strokes my hair, calming me down. "Of what?" I snuggle further into Gerard's chest, as if I was hiding from reality. "To leave you." He sighs and holds me tight. "I'm sorry, dad." I hug him, hiding my face. "Look," he says holding me out so we face each other. I look into his hazel eyes. He wipes his thump over my cheeks, and pushes the tears away. "Yes, it will be hard, and yes, it will hurt us very bad. We will miss you very much." He looks defeated at the thought, but suddenly stands straight and soldier-ish. "But, life will go on. When you "leave," as you say, you won't exactly leave us. We'll still have your stuff," he smiles happily. "You will be alive in our memories. Even though, you are not here in person, you'll still be here." he puts his hand over his heart. "Right here." I smile with him, nodding. "I love you, dad." I hug him again, and he holds me tight. "I love you too, baby."