BlurryFace (Joshler 1/3)

One||H e a v y d i r t y s o u l

My mom always told me that I had a "Heavydirtysoul".

She told me that her mom used the word all the time, explaining how it meant, "strong soul".
I didn't see it though. I was simply the opposite of a strong soul, and I could see how she would say that because she doesn't really know the feeling of what it's like to have a broken soul.

Everytime she mentions the words, "Heavy dirty soul" I fill up with guilt, eating me alive more each time I hear it. Honestly, she was basically saying even though I'm  a huge failure, I push through it. Hiding my emotions and pretending to be strong even when I'm really not. Pretending everything was okay was one of my specialties.

"Tyler!" The sudden screech made me jolt my head up, startled. My entire family was staring right at me, and I knew I had gotten stuck in my thoughts again. It took me a moment to adjust to the lighting and where I was again, blinking multiple times to clear the blurriness. After a few seconds of blinking I could now see all of the eyes that were on me. Their eyes shooting into me like I could hear their thoughts engraving on my skull Yeah .

Failure.

"Are you going to eat?" Scoffed out my dad. He looked mad (as usual.) My mom looked down and continued to eat, along with my two younger siblings who quietly giggled under their breaths. I don't know why my mom doesn't stand up for herself or any of us when it comes to my dad. Even though I didn't quite understand why my mom didn't stand up for herself, I could also see how much we feared him. He used to be kind and generous but ever since I became the freak I am he's changed.

I gulped down my anxiety and nodded, picking up my fork and inserting it into the chicken on my plate. I could feel his scowls from across the table. I absolutely hated dinner.

"So, Tyler, have you looked into any universities yet?" Asked my mom. I was glad to hear my moms soft voice speak up instead of dads voice ,which was filled with anger. She looked up at me with her gentle green eyes. Her golden brown hair was pinned back, leaving loose strands to fall in front.

I could feel my dads eyes burning into me. Ready to judge every word I had to say.

I shook my head, eating another piece of food so I wouldn't have to speak so quickly.

"Well, you should. you're graduating in five months." My eyes were down, I couldn't bare to look up. When it came to school and showing off, my mom was the only one I cared about in making proud. I felt ashamed whenever I disappointed her, which was a lot now.

"Anyway, Zach. Doing anything exciting in school?"

Instantly,just like that, she changed the subject, turning towards my younger brother seated next to me.He was eight, and really smart too.He had a bright future ahead, and hopefully I wouldn't fuck it up. After that I didn't really listen to anything else anyone said. My thoughts were too loud to actually hear what was happening anyway.

-

Dinner soon ended, quicker than usual actually. I was the first one out of there, placing my plate in the sink and running up the stairs to lock myself into my dark room again. It wasn't always such a great thing to do because then it meant I would be stuck with Blurryface and my own thoughts, and that wasn't always particularly a good thing.

My family obviously knew about Blurryface, and the only one who really cared was of course my mom while My dad considered me a freak. As I soon realized the breakdowns my mom continued to have were due to me, my darkness got stronger, feeding off of my sadness. She didn't want to raise a freak, and she tried her best not to consider me one, but I knew deep down inside she really thought of me as one. Now I'm just constantly pitied by her.