BlurryFace (Joshler 1/3)

Thirteen||N o t T o d a y

TRIGGER: At one point Tyler kind of experiences self harm-not exactly-but it may be triggering to some who have experienced self harm so please be careful! I'll put *** above where it starts!

      I couldn't sleep. It was 4am and I sat still under several layers of blankets wishing so badly that possibly I could get stuck and soon suffocate. It doesn't matter, I'd have to get up in two hours for school anyway.

  Everytime I closed my eyes I was reminded of some bad or good memory involving Josh. I imagined dark scenes of Josh getting punched and beat by his brother, crying out for help and me not being able to save him. It reminded me of that dream that I'd never be able to forget...

  Everytime I thought of that damn dream a knot formed in my throat and tied all the way down to my stomach. What if that's josh right now? He could be dying! He could be dying and I wouldn't be able to save him. The simple fear of him even missing haunted me.

I could hear muffled cries and shouts coming
from downstairs. All my parents have been doing since last night is fighting. This wasn't a rare thing exactly, they always fought, usually about me. I could hear some of the things they were screaming, mostly just along the lines of: "how could we do this to our son?" "He's no longer our son." "how could you slap him" "what if zach and Madison grow up like this?"

It didn't bother me anymore, so all I did was listen. All I could do was listen. Listen to Blurryfaces fits of laughter, my moms cries and my dads yells. All I worried about was if any of this woke Zachary and Madison up. Unfortunately, they were too young to actually realize what was happening.

I felt too numb to even get up. I felt too numb to breathe actually. Instead of going back to sleep, I did what I usually did when I couldn't sleep. I got up, grabbed a notebook from off my dresser, and walked over to the window. Blurryface was mumbling stuff, but I was too focused on the lyrics I had saved in my head to hear exactly what he was saying. Besides, I should try to spend my time on the roof while I have it.

  Grasping onto the sides of the roof, I climb up to the place where I usually sat. It felt a lot colder and lonelier up here without Josh, despite even being up here with him only once, but last time I was up here, he was here. I looked up at the morning stars and towards the sky ahead that was just turning bright from the soon-to-be-rising sun.

  Taking a sharp inhale in between my teeth, I pull out my notebook and place it on my lap, ignoring how cold this morning March air felt. Placing my pen against the paper I slowly begin to write.

  I don't know why, I just feel I'm better off, staying in the same room I was born in.
I look outside, see a whole world better off, without me in it trying to transform it.

   My mind suddenly drifted off towards Josh again, and he seemed to be my only thought...again. I try to remember every detail of him. His red curly, poofy hair. His deep dark brown eyes that I always got lost in. The way his eyes formed little crinkles whenever he smiles real big. I was afraid that I'd soon forget everything about him.

  I'd considered maybe it'd be a good idea to forget him, but I wasn't sure if I was even ready for that. He became such a big part of my life that I wasn't sure if I'd ever forget him, no matter what happened to me, I'd always have a small memory of Josh stored somewhere.

You, are out of my mind. You, aren't seeing my side. You waste all this time trying to run from me but you are out of my mind.