DEAD INSIDE

(13)

It took me twenty minutes to get home and I let out a relieved sigh when I finally locked the door behind me.

I walked to the kitchen to find a note from my mother saying that she was working that night.

I was alone for the evening.

I warmed some soup she'd left for me and sat at the kitchen island. As I went through everything that had taken place that day, I remembered Milo's letter. I reached for my bag to retrieve it and after taking a spoonful of soup, I decided to read it now.

I smiled at the two drawings he had joined to his long letter.

The first one was of a smiling sun and clouds chasing each other in a deep blue sky full of birds. It was very colorful and signed LIP. The second one was sadder. It represented three stick figures holding hands in front of a big house and another stick figure with what I interpreted as wings floating above them. That one was signed MO and she'd written TO ALI in a trembling and imprecise handwriting.

I was feeling really emotional as I unfolded their father's letter.

Ali,

I've started this letter so many times that I finally decided this one would be the one so I apologize in advance if some parts are messy and unclear.

There is so much I'd like to tell you and I've tried to find the courage to come to you and get it all out but it seems to be locked inside me.

Instead, I've become angry, aggressive, violent.

I have no idea why but that's what your presence provokes in me.

I'm normally totally in control with the Milo I let people see at school or out of my house but for some reason, whenever you're around, I seem to derail.

And I hope you'll believe me when I tell you how truly sorry I am because I hate the person I've been with you.

I still can't get over the fact that I physically hurt you and left that ugly bruise on your neck.

That alone is the ultimate proof that I really need help.

No matter what happened to me in the past, I can't let it mold me into the monster I keep turning into when I'm around you.

Because of course, something did happen in my past. Something ugly that still makes me scream some nights when it all gets too much. I only told Sam and Scott at the time. Well, my Dad knows too, of course...

But Scott and your brother were the ones to help me deal with it when it happened and they are the only reason I'm still here today.

After the way I've treated you, I guess you're thinking that they shouldn't have bothered and I really don't blame you.

I hate myself so much, you have no idea. And I'm not talking only about what I did to you, no. I've hated myself for so long that I don't remember when it really started.

The only reason I keep fighting against myself every day is because of Philip and Moira.

They've already been given a shitty hand, I'm not going to add to their burden. They are the true innocent victims in our sick story and every day I get out of bed with only one thing on my mind.

Their well-being.

I want them to grow up in a stable environment. I want them to play, to laugh, to be carefree. I refuse to let what happened to me taint their childhood.