We Found Love ||«An Allegiant Continuation»||#Wattys2016

|Six|

Tobias

Pain. It is a weird feeling. Utterly incomprehensible. It shows you a different pattern, a new way of killing you anew every day. And the best part? It seems like that is all my body is made up of now. It sometimes feels like fire, burning through every vein, every vessel of my body, making it long for relief, the relief I felt when I held her close to me, the way she protected me from every pain in the world, even without knowing it, the fire resonating in the thumping of my heart, shattering it again and again when I realise I'd never find that relief again, the warmth of her ever welcoming embrace, making it hard to breathe. Yet sometimes it makes my body numb, my brain oblivious to what is happening around me, and the only thing I can feel is my heartbeat while I so desperately wish it stopped beating the moment hers did.

I'm no stranger to pain. Living with Marcus made me know pain of every kind- mental, physical and emotional, as a dear friend, physical, the burning, slashing pain in my back every time he whipped me, the throbbing pain when he punched and kicked me. Mental, when he constantly reminded me how worthless I was, how I wasn't loved and would never be, how those words bore their way into my heart, emotional, the pain of losing my mother, the way it felt when I cried myself to sleep. Then , at Dauntless, pain became my haven, my safety. Continuous fighting, training. Spending hours at the punching bag gave me relief. Then the piercing pain of the tattoo needle gave me heaven. The fear landscape gave me peace. People called me a masochist, but what they didn't know was that I had known pain forever. It was like a extremely clingy kindergarten friend, just that there was no escaping it, so I made it have a part in my life. I learned to live with it.

Then came that one person who made every pain of every sort go away just by a simple glance, a simple smile, a simple caress. Who made me forget what being in pain felt like. Who made it feel foreign. Who became my guardian angel, shielding me from the pains of the world. She saved me from pain and I never, ever thought that the person who saved me from pain would cause me pain so great, that it would make me want to stop living, stop breathing, make my heart stop beating, just so that the pain stops.

This is the worst pain I've ever felt, and that is coming from me, a person who lived the first sixteen years of his life with a demon for a father. It swivels inside me like a tornado, makes my heart ache every time it beats because hers doesn't beat with it. It makes my lungs unwilling to breathe, because she doesn't breathe with it. It is like an animal clawing and tearing me from inside, making me regret living when she isn't. It kills me afresh every day I wake up because I know she never will. It resonates in every nerve, every fibre of my body, letting me know that it is there and it isn't going away anytime soon and neither I will learn how to live with this kind of pain. I 've felt it for every second in the past two months and I feel it every second of every day. But probably that is the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

But even after it all, after all the pain I'm suffering, all the times I've wanted to let go, to end living my worthless life with the broken fragment of a man I have become, all the times I've almost jumped into the chasm or lifted a gun to my temple, there is one thing that I have never regretted. I may have many regrets, wishes that things happened differently, that I chose differently, I made decisions differently,I did things differently, that the outcomes of things I did were different, there is just one thing I have not regretted and probably never will, even though my pain kills me,everyday.

I don't regret falling for her. I don't regret making her the purpose of my existence. I don't regret falling in love with her. I don't regret anytime I held her hand and told her that I loved her. I don't regret any smile, any hug, any kiss, any moment shared with her. I don't regret letting her in and showing her who Tobias Eaton is. I don't regret giving her my heart and soul. Even if my heart is broken and so is my soul, even if she has caused me more pain than anyone else, even though her leaving was like getting half killed in the worst way. Because I know this: we don't get to choose if we get hurt in this world, but we do have some say in who hurts us. I made my choice and I will never regret it. I like my choices. Because what we had is worth this pain and loads more. We were worth it. She is worth it. Loving her and getting loved by her is worth it.