How I Married My Bias

CHAPTER 21

Just like that, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. No letter. Not even a single one. I cry myself to sleep every night.

The same thing happens every day. I waited for him. I waited and waited until I realized that it was no use.

Why would I wait for him? He doesn’t even know where I am. How would he know?

It was like sitting in an old train station, waiting for a train that will never come. It was sad to think that I didn’t even said goodbye.

I thought of him, every single minute. He never stopped running in my mind. My thoughts drifted back to that old bookstore where we used to be. My thoughts drifted back to the front seat of his car where I used to sit.

My brother was my only consolation. He always comforted me whenever he woke up in the middle of the night hearing my soft sobs under my blanket.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked me one night when he caught me crying.

“Doing what?” I asked.

“This.” he said. “If you want to see him so badly, why not go back?”

I looked at him through the dim candle-lighted room.

“You know I can’t leave. Not that mother needs me here,” I answered, avoiding his gaze. It was true and it hurts.

They say that a choice between two persons you love is the hardest choice ever made. But nevertheless, a choice still needs to be done.

I tried not to let them see how much it hurts inside.  I tried not to let them notice the sadness within me. I tried everything, but to no avail.

And then the reality hits me. What if he’s doing just fine without me? Does he even think of me? Did he miss me? Does he even notice I was gone?

What if’s – that’s what fills my head. And I hate a life of what-if’s.

It’s strange to think that, in only a short while, I’ve became so attached to him. Living far from him shouldn’t be this hard. I lived 20 years of my life without him before I came to Korea and I was just fine. But in a course of just weeks, he became everything to me.

I used to dream about him - his face, his features – all carved in my mind. I’m afraid that a day would come when I would forget what he looks like, forget what being with him feels like.

It’s a fear I think I wouldn’t get over.