Illusive (phan)

Chapter I - Resentful

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tw: swearing, mentions of rape

Chapter I - Resentful

[The Coffee Lounge, Central London, 2:34 pm, M 22/08/16]

PHIL: (talking animatedly) "It was a massive bird lying on my fire escape!"

RHIA: "Seriously?"

PHIL: "Yeah, I had no idea what to do. I was still half asleep, so I decided to poke it with a spatula."

RHIA: "A spatula? Phil, that's gross."

PHIL: "Yeah, well, I wasn't thinking straight." (continues excitedly) "Anyway, so I poked it and it worked. I don't know if it was trolling me, or if the spatula had magical powers or something, but it actually worked!"

RHIA: "What did you do with the spatula?"

PHIL: (meekly) "Threw it away. I didn't want to get rabies or something."

RHIA: "What a waste."

DAN: (enters kitchen, putting on the apron) "What are we talking about, Phil's existence?"

RHIA: "Dan, don't."

DAN: "Don't what? I just want to join in."

PHIL: "Actually, we were talking about my spatula."

DAN: "And what about this spatula?"

PHIL: (quiet) "It cured a bird that crashed into my kitchen window."

DAN: (disapproving) "Is this some kind of fucked up fantasy? Because, no thanks."

RHIA: "No one asked you to come over here."

DAN: "I work here, darling. I thought you'd have noticed by now. I mean it's not like we fuck every other day or anything."

RHIA: (shocked) "Dan! Don't be so vulgar."

DAN: (starts stacking cups) "Speaking of which, can you come over tonight?"

RHIA: (embarrassed) "No!"

DAN: (winks) "I'll be waiting."

RHIA: (removes apron, to Phil) "I'm going home. I'll text you." (kisses Phil on cheek, walks out of café) "Bye."

PHIL: "Bye."

DAN: (resentful) "What, are you fucking her too?"

PHIL: "No! She's helping me with something."

DAN: "Your lonely sex life? I always knew she was a whore."

PHIL: "Hey, don't call her that!"

DAN: "Or what?"

PHIL: "Nothing. You're just not allowed to say that."

DAN: "Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't read the rulebook yet. Mind lending me your copy?"

PHIL: "Why are you so... bitter?"

DAN: "Is this therapy? Do I have to pay for this session?"

PHIL: "I'm curious."

DAN: "Glad to bring some excitement into your miserable, predictable life."