Didn't we almost have it all? [Completed]

6

Present day

I was a long way from being fine, even though it had been a year, but I was properly moving on. I had even been out on a few dates, not seeing anyone more than once though. In a way I knew that Noel's substance abuse wasn't the only reason our relationship didn't work out. I only realised after we had been a part for a few months that I had never given him my whole heart the way he had completely given me his. While he had thrown himself head first into our relationship, never doubting his feelings for me. I had doubted mine, and had used his addiction and the paranoia that came with it as an excuse to hide. I had not been ready to get married. I was too young, and still lost after losing a parent.

If there was one genuinely good thing about my heartbreak it was that I had been forced to become comfortable with being by myself again. And the journey there had made me get to know myself better and making me a lot stronger in the process.

When I came home from the club it was close to 4 am, and I was still a little tipsy even though we had stopped to get 'drunk food'. As I fell into bed with my clothes on I managed to land on my handbag, it tangled with my body and I ended up squishing it with my stomach. As I lay there on my bed I could feel Noel's album poking me in my stomach through the bag. As I was still tipsy I somehow got it into my head that I would just take a little look at it. So I wrangled my bag from out under me, too lazy to sit up. When I finally released it from its prison between my duvet and stomach, I pulled the cd out. She could at least have given me the vinyl edition I thought, as I looked at the track listing on the back.

Track listing;

My love could have been enough

Why won't you let me

Desire

Dreams

New Beginning

No

13

Rehab

Recovery

It will never be over

E

578 days

Some of the songs on the album I recognized and I couldn't help but wonder if he had kept the version of the song that I sang back-up on. I never got to hear the finished product. I didn't even know the name of it. But the entire record was so obviously about me that it was painful. The cover was a picture of the empty swing in my mother's back yard our footprints in the snow. He had taken it the morning after we got engaged right before we left saying he always wanted a picture of the place just like it was that night. The track desire stood out to me in that it evoked the memory of us in the cab in Paris, I was curious if it was the same song. However what got to me the most was 578 days. What the hell was that a reference too?

I couldn't help myself so I groggily sat up trying to clear my slightly intoxicated brain and I googled 578 days and found a forum online that speculated about the different tracks on the records. To be able to read the answers to the thread starter asking about ideas about 578 days you had to get an account, so I quickly set one up under the username NEdie. Intending it to stand for not Edie. As soon as I got acces it wasn't long before I saw that someone had figured out that 578 days was on average 19 months.. And then it clicked for me, 19 months, that was how long our engagement lasted. No one on the forum had figured it out yet though, and I fell for the temptation and wrote a reply ' That has to be referring to the amount of days they were engaged.' And before I gave it another thought I pressed send. As it was a very active forum, I only had to wait a minute for someone to reply. 'OMG! I bet that must be it. I really like your name, it is like a hybrid of Noel and Edie! I ship it. Nedie forever <3.' From there it quickly took off with more people liking 'Nedie', I just thought it sounded like needy, and cursed myself for not choosing another name for my account.

I kept the forum in my phones browser and picked up the record again. As I was about to open it, my phone pinged from another reply on the forum. And before I knew it I had forgotten about continuing to explore the album, and instead immersed myself in online conversations with Noel's fans, some of them whom I suppose were my fans as well. Trying to not give my true identity away, I couldn't really express any feeling towards Noel. I kept it light, and mostly asked them questions about what they thought of the songs, and even went as far as asking what they thought my reaction to them where. This warying between, genuinely not bothered to gutted. Only a few people thought I hadn't listened to it at all after watching the interview I had done earlier.

Seeing the different discussion about the songs I started getting really curious about them. And after looking over the different threads on the forum I found one about Noel performing solo. And there I found videos of live renditions of all the songs. 'It will never be over' seemed to be the clear fan favorite so I choose a clip that kept coming up while I scrolled through the messages. A lot of people just using emojis of crying smileys and broken hearts to express their feelings towards the video.

As it opened in my browser I found myself, just like I had done earlier in the day when I watched Noels old interview, watching a video of Noel talking about me. This time a little more subtle.

"I wrote this song, while going through something earlier this year." Noel begun, talking whilst tuning his guitar. "You know how they say if you love someone, let them go. If it was meant to be, they will return." It was just him on a small stage, much smaller and more intimate than what he had played with his band during the last few years. "This song is about the feeling that no matter if they return, you know that as long as you live it will never be over. And even though you at the time had to let them go. You might also be the one that should to return to them." He had stopped tuning the guitar at this point and looked thoughtfully out at the audience. "Well anyway this is off of my album. I hope you like it. And as the great Daniel Johnston wrote 'true love will find you in the end'. Then he started playing.

It was the most delicate and raw I had ever heard Noel, and I fell asleep still clothed clutching my phone listening to the song on repeat.

∞

The next morning I woke up laying on my bag phone still in my hand. The song had stopped playing sometime whilst I slept and the phone had died after the battery had run out.

As I got up, I realised I had the beginning of a headache as a reminder of all the alcohol we had had the night before, and a foul taste in my mouth gave me a strong urge to brush my teeth. After plugging my phone into the charger I went for a shower before heading out to buy some breakfast and coffee.

It was my first real day of my hiatus. I wasn't doing any more interviews, no shows, no nothing. Of course I would still write music, but I was in no rush. Instead I would take this year, to focus on what was important to me, my family and friends. I was going to move in with my mom for a few weeks and spend time with my sisters children. I know she would be happy with some babysitting help. I also had some pretty developed plans for a trip to Thailand with Jessica and I couldn't wait.

As I slipped on a pair of sunglasses as I walked out of my building and stepped out into the sun, I realised I hadn't even thought about Noel yet. It was still really early in the day, so maybe it wasn't a huge sign, however something felt different. Even though I had fallen asleep to one of his new songs, the song itself didn't make me sad. Not even remotely, instead I just felt happy for him, happy that he seemed to be in a better place in his life without drugs, and happy about the time we had together.

At this point in my life I had to focus on myself. But you never knew, and maybe one day, the time would be right for us. He seemed to think so at least. Like he said if you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go.

The End

∞