Dangerous Lies

Chapter 12

dedicated to DJELLIOT for all the lovely comments. I so enjoy reading them and they never cease to make me smile!

Staring at the wall in front of my face fills me with an overwhelming pain and a grief. Scattered all over the wall were pictures of Jace. He looked so different from what I remembered. He looked so happy...especially the one with Ricky. It was like a dagger to my heart knowing there was a life he led that I had no idea about. Did I know my twin at all? How did he get involved with this gang? How did he meet Ricky? It didn't make sense but it all tears at my heart.

"I met Jace when my dad took over Jace's gang when his gang leader died." Ricky smile was warm and happy. Why couldn't I think back and smile on our memories like him? Why do I feel this soul crushing sadness when I think about him?

Because you're guilty, a small voice sneers at me.

It's true though. I am guilty. I should have protected him better. I sigh and shake my head, "I didn't know he was in a gang. I know gangs where beating him up and to get at him they came after me. But I didn't know he'd officially been joined into a gang."

"Sometimes we don't always share everything. He was protecting you."

I couldn't help it, I laughed lightly. "I'm the protector. Or at least I use to be. We were a team, you know? I had his back. I'd have killed for him?"

His eyes are unreadable and I turn my gaze back to the pictures. "What changed, Erin? He's still your brother, he still loves you."

A few tears escape, "if things were different and he was here, I'd never be able to face him. Not now, not after everything that's happened."

"If you had the opportunity, what would you say to him?"

With a thick voice I mumble, "I'd tell him I'm so sorry, that I'm so angry at him, that I needed him so bad and he wasn't there. But mostly, I'd tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him." with that, I walk down the stairs and out the door.

I don't go far. I know they'll be watching. I've already tried to run more times than I wish to admit. But no, I just sit at the little stone bench near the small pond in the cold and dreary day. The sun is hidden behind the grey smog and the last of the rain settles on my skin leaving me chilled. This kind of gray day seems to go hand in hand with the rest of my life.

The silence surrounds me. I wish I could say it was peaceful but the thoughts bouncing around in my head are far from soothing. I guess 'they' are right when they say demons don't stay down for long. Whoever 'they' are and whatever 'demons' they seem to try and kill don't really matter much. Applying it to my life, and I'd say the demons are my memories and they won't stay buried. Is it so wrong to wish that I could forget? Or to wish I could fly to a world where I might find a little more happiness?

Why am I still here? Surely someone could have put a bullet in my brain by know. I know I'm too weak to do it myself. Sometimes I wish I could remember the feeling of safety or happiness. But then I realize, my trip to that place of safety and happiness would be brief and then I'd come back to this hell I'm living in and I won't be able to do it. I'd crumble.

Behind me, I hear the shuffle of feet as someone comes up behind me. "You shouldn't be out here, you'll get sick."

"Maybe it'll be fatal." I say emotionlessly otherwise I didn't turn to look at him.

"You don't really mean that." he says as he wraps him embroidered leather jacket around my shoulders. He stands before me, all tall dark and dangerously sexy in his leather cut and snug blue jeans. The man's got a nice ass on him. "You just don't like being here."

"Gee, I wonder why? It's not like I'm being held against my will or anything." I sneer at him.

He chuckles, "we're not so bad. Shawn comes off as a pushy bastard, but he cares about you. He just doesn't know how to treat you now that you don't fall in line at the first sound of his bark."

I scoff, "he abandoned me a long time ago. He didn't give a damn about anybody but himself. I had to deal with everything myself. The gang they fought with for years held a grudge that I had to pay the price for. If he gave a damn he would have been man enough to clean up after himself."

He's silent for a minute. "He was needed here. The gang needed him to do a job and he came. He told you he was leaving. What more could he have done?" he's calm and it just made me want to slap him upside the head.

"It doesn't matter if he told me, Ryder! Those bastards he pissed off before he left, they came after me. Now, I've cleaned up after him before but how am I supposed to fend off all ten of those cunt fuckers by myself?" my hands shake and I'm seconds away from shattering. "I needed him and he just left me."

Ryder's arm comes around my lower back the moment my voice breaks and the tears come rushing out. He pulls me onto his lap and rubs my back just to hold me. That's all. I rest my head on his chest and he combs my hair with his fingers. "Romero's stick together, baby. When the gang needs help, they give the call and we come running. It wasn't his choice. He was needed and he came. He didn't want to leave you but in this world, we all have to do things we hate. His girl was there and there was trouble. He had his punk ass boys watching over you, baby, they said you were fine when he called." You could tell, obviously, he didn't like the group Shawn had hung around with.

Part of me wanted to scream and cry, what about me? Why couldn't he have chosen me? I had done everything I was asked and he let me down. I sigh brokenly, "they lied, I wasn't fine." I was so far from it. I still woke up with nightmares.

Ryder tenses, picking up on what I didn't say. "What happened after he left? What happened to you?"

I press my lips to his cheek, "lending me your jacket and letting me cry on your lap, doesn't mean you get access to those times. All you need to know is I can't do this anymore. When your beef is cleared, I'm running fast and far and I'll keep running. We all have demons, Rye, and mine promised to kill me."