Dangerous Lies

Chapter 19

this one is small!

***

They’re here again. They’ve followed me. I knew I shouldn’t have gone home. I should have run. I should have begged Shawn to take me with him. I should have made him take me. Now my only option is to wait for his return. I refuse to give up on him. He wouldn’t forget about me. Shawn wouldn’t leave without saying to goodbye to Jace. He’d want to know if Jace has woken up, wouldn’t he? But the doctors keep telling me he’s not going to. Every time I hear them whisper about his condition I feel a new piece of my heart tear away. I should have been there. I should have saved him. I should have been able to do something! This is all my fault.

It’s all on me and I'm paying for it now. All over again.

Again and again and again, I pay the price for not doing right by my brother. This is some karmic justice, some cruel way to punish me.

God, I'm so sorry Jace. Please forgive me!

Hands wound around my ankles and pulled me out from under my covers. Shortly after I'm stripped bare, they all take their turns. I feel dirty again. I feel the desperateness in me grow and I even think I call out for help, I call their names.

I call for Jace, but he is dead and can't help me now. Who knows if he’d even want to, after I’d abandoned him?

I call for Shawn, he’s been gone for months but I trust him to come back for me.

He will come back for me. He promised me.

Where are you Shawn? I need you so much! Help me Shawn! Help me!

***

I wake covered in sweat and tear falling down my face. I'm cold again. My body shakes and my heart hurts worse than my body does. Weeks of emptiness and I'm ready to hand myself over to those wanting to kill me. Weeks of being here by myself, I’d already sent Monica away. I don’t feel stable any more. Who is stable when they would attack a nurse just to get out of here? Who is stable when every night the doctors rush in to wake me from my nightmares? Who is stable when they found me half drowned in the bathroom with crimson lines running up my arms and legs? God, I've been in this hospital for a month and the only visitors I get are in lab coats. Either the doctors banned everyone from my room or they stopped caring and stopped coming. Stop caring seems more reliable given who I'm talking about. They moved me to a window room so they could see me at all times. I'm a suicide risk. I'm being release soon. I can sign myself out now, because I'm eighteen finally. Not that it really matters. I was leaving anyways.

Sitting up in the bed, I dangle my feet over the edge of the bed and stare at the clothes Monica brought me a few weeks ago.

***

“Hey, Erin girl. I brought you some stuff.” She’s calm, soothing, everything I'm not right now. I feel unhinged as I shake and study her approach. She sighs, “The boys want to talk to you; do you think you can handle that?”

My hands shake, “I...I can't. No more, just no more. I just want it all to go away. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Her eyes are so sad and haunted. It feels as if she knows this thing is killing me from the inside. “Shh,” she hushes me as she smoothes my hair back. “Shh, it’s ok. I'll tell them not today.”

I feel so young, as if I can't really understand, like I'm under water and everything above the water is not making sense, it is all distorted and gargled. It makes me think of drowning and then I wish I could drown and never open my eyes again. My body shakes and my heart races. A few nurses rush in and give me meds that make my eyes grow heavy.

I look at Monica, “I don’t want to live anymore, Monica. I'm tired. So, so tired. It hurts, it all hurts.” Why does it have to be this way? I just want to never wake up. My heart feel shattered.

I hate this life.

Just take pity on m—blackness ended all thoughts.