Dangerous Lies

Chapter 18

The next week passes slowly, with me almost constantly sleeping. My only companion is Monica. She barely leaves my side but she tries to keep my mind of everything else. I've never been so weak. I can't stand to have Monica too far away from me. I feel like that broken girl again. Every night I dream, I relive a different nightmare. Tonight is no different.

            I hear them coming up the stairs. I'm cold again. They walk in silently. No one says a thing. They never really needed words. This time he’s alone as he pulls back my covers and pulls my pants down. I whimper, knowing what is going to happen.

He smiles at me, as if he were doing something good for me. “Shh,” the other guys in the room watch his every move. His hand slides down in a creepy caress that makes me want to vomit. I shudder and push him away.

“Don’t touch me!” I snarl through shaking lips as I hold back the tears.

His hand sneaks out and the loud slap just causes the other men to grip themselves as if this was arousing. But it’s not. It’s my nightmare. “Do not say anything.” He snaps at me and roughly pulls himself into me. I scream and claw and fight but it’s no use. I'm at his mercy. He moves as I fight, almost laughing and I feel the need to throw up. The minute I do, he yanks out and he hits me.

He punches me then he slams my face against my dresser until I'm a bloody mess on the ground. While I'm down, he takes his booted foot and kicks me. Once. Twice. Thrice. Four times. I can't breathe again. It hurts too much. Abruptly he rips my shirt off and tears anything on my body off. I'm so exposed and so gross. I just want to die. I'm so tired of losing. Just take this stupid version of me and shake her, drowned her until she's dead. Whatever it takes, just end her, get rid of her. I'm worthless and stupid. I'm no good. Trash. I hate her. I hate this life, I hate this world, I hate these people. Even those I thought would care are strangers and I can't do this anymore. I feel as if I've fallen to the bottom, gotten up, started over only to start falling again, but lower, deeper this time. I just want out! I hate myself! I hate my weakness! I hate living! Somebody just save me! I can't do this anymore! I need help! It’s a battle to get out of bed. It’s a battle to breath. It’s a battle to smile everyday like everything’s fine! I hate being weak! Why do I fight? I'm so tired of fighting everything, every day, every minute!

I can't breath

I can't fight anymore

Every day the walls get closer.

Every day things get harder

Every damn day I wake up exhausted

Every day is another day I suffer through, faking happy.

Every day I fight to not let darkness take its hold.

I'm not scared to die; I'm just too weak to take my life.

If I was strong, I wouldn’t be here.

I'm done with this world.

I scream so loud as soon as he throws me to the ground and raises my butt in the air. “no, no, no! Please, no!” where are you Jace? I need you, Shawn. Please, anyone, please just make it stop. I'm sorry; I didn’t mean to let you die! Please just make it stop.

Without preamble he pulled himself into my ass, tearing things as he went. Violently thrusting until my screams of torture and agony grew and grew. He goes rigid. Then he lets go and pulls out. He’s done. He tosses me on the floor and shares a grin with the other men in the room.

I lay there, long after they left. Feeling dirty and gross. Feeling a need so strong and overwhelming to end my life just sweeping through me. I just want to die. Please, god, please, just take the pain away. I crawl into the bathroom; I manage to shower while sitting in the tub. The water is scalding and my skin is red in the first two minutes. I can't get the water hot enough. I just feel so dirty. Scissors catch my eye on the tub edge and I pick them up.

I stare at them for so long. Wishing I had the strength to bring them to my throat and jab them into my esophagus or to stab myself until I can't anymore. I just want it to end. Make it go away. Finally after a long pause, in a rage of unworthiness and desperation to release this emotional pain I bring the open scissors down furiously on my stomach, cutting so deep. The blood that welled was red. I don’t know why I thought it would come out a different color but I did. Maybe it would give me an idea of why these things were happening to me.

Then it hit me.

This is my penance for letting Jace die. This is my penance for not doing what I was supposed to, what I’d promised to do. I slashed my stomach until I couldn’t anymore. Whether I was found or passed out before I stopped, I don’t remember. I just remember the fury and rage and worthlessness and desperation and then blackness. I had no release from my misery.

Millions of people suffer from depression. No matter how simple it may be to someone else it is bigger than anyone knows. This silent disease is as deadly as drunk drivers. If you have thoughts of suicide, get help. If you are feeling alone and just need to talk to someone, there are people that are available. But if that’s not what you want feel free to message me. I can listen. I know what you are going through. That is not a line I'm feeding you. I almost gave in to that voice in the back of my head but I'm still here and I want to help any way I can.

If you need it, seek help.