Olympic Conquest

Cory - Falling into Darkness

I'm doing everything in my power not to jump up and join Lainey on her flight home. With each step she takes away from me, I feel myself falling back into the darkness where I'd been living the last two years. I'm afraid to go on without her. I may not have the strength to fight my demons on my own. But we have separate lives in two different cities. There's no changing that.

As Lainey disappears down the boarding ramp, I try to get up in a desperate attempt to see her one last time. My knee buckles, throwing me back down into my seat, reminding me that I'm trapped inside a broken body – and an airport waiting area, filled with nameless faces.

I fumble for the remains of the bag of ice. I place the cool water over my swollen knee and I look around at all the people in the terminal. There are couples, families, single people like myself. They're no different than me but they seem to have their shit together. I feel fucking lost.

There was a time when I thought I had it all. I conquered every mountain I could find with my twin brother, who was also my best friend. Ashton and I wanted to be the best skiers in the world and we were achieving it. We smashed world records – we became Olympic champions – we were living our dream together. Skiing gave us purpose. And our friendship was everything. So what's my future without my brother or the mountain?

"Excuse me sir?" I look up at a wheelchair attendant, smiling down at me with sympathy in his eyes. "I'm Sam. I'll be escorting you onto the plane. Your flight is ready to board. Do you need help getting into the chair?"

I hate his look of sympathy but I know he's just being nice. "No, I got it Sam. Thanks and I'm Cory," I reach out and shake Sam's hand. I tell my knee to not give out this time. I grab my crutches and put my weight on the hand grips. I pull myself up into a standing position. My knee feels weak but I'm able to stand on my own. I hop over to the chair but then I trip before I'm able to sit down. I fall right in front of the chair, almost knocking over Sam. Everyone in the terminal stares at me as Sam helps me up. I feel anger over my condition bubbling to the surface.

I look down at my useless knee, I ask myself, was it worth it? I used to think it was. Now I'm not so sure. Who am I kidding? I'm an addict - an adrenaline junky who enjoys risking his life racing as fast as he can down mountains. I'm not even sure why I love it so much. I just know that once I'm at the top of a mountain and I'm staring at the run below me, I feel so alive – like the mountain is my source of courage. If it weren't skiing, I'm sure I'd be doing some other reckless activity. At least with downhill, I can be called a champion.

Sam wheels me to a different terminal and onto a waiting plane. He tells me it's his 30th wedding anniversary that day. He can't believe how fast time has flown by.

"And you still love her?" I ask.

"More than ever," he says. "I had no clue at the time, but marrying her was the best decision I have ever made."

I immediately think of Lainey and wonder what our future might hold. Do I dare to even dream of a future?

As I get settled, I recognize one of the flight attendants. We lock eyes and I remember we were together during a layover a year ago and I never called her afterward. She turns her back to me and I think about all the girls I never called back. I'm not proud of the fact. It's not that I was trying to be mean. I was afraid to get close to anyone so I pushed them all away as quickly as I could. I told myself it was in their best interest. But now I realize I caused a lot of heartache. I lean back and close my eyes, trying not to feel like a worthless piece of shit. This is going to be a long flight.

"Look who we have here." I open my eyes to see my Olympic teammates standing in front of me.

I sit up. "What are you staring at?" I say and then give them the biggest shit-eating grin in an attempt to hide how I really feel at the moment – like a rundown loser.

Lots of "Heys" and slaps on the back as we congratulate one another on a very successful Winter Games – at least for everyone but me.

"I'm really proud of you guys! Great job proving you don't need me." I wink at them.

"Actually you forgot something," my teammate John finally tells me.

"I don't think so. My bag is up there." I gesture to the overhead bin.

John unzips his jacket and removes his gold medal. He puts it around my neck. I sit up even straighter, despite the pain that shoots through my leg.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?" I say, feeling uncomfortable. Two of my other teammates pull out their gold medals and put them around my neck as well. I shift in my seat.

"Guys this is a nice gesture. But I didn't earn these. You did."

"You showed us how Cory. Without you, we wouldn't have won," John says.

My coach Jeremy puts his hand on my shoulder. "Your spot will be open for you when you're ready to come back. We'll take care of the mountain while you're gone."

"I appreciate that coach." I grab the gold medals and pull them back over my head and I hand them back to my teammates. "I'll come back and earn my own medals guys."

My teammates roar in support and pat my back as they take their own seats. I look out the window convinced I'll never be back. So who's being honest now?