Olympic Conquest

Cory - Bringing Everyone Down

I wish everyone would leave me the fuck alone. My body aches, my head pounds, and my knee throbs, reminding me how I've continued to fuck up everyone's lives around me. They're all better off forgetting about me. Especially Lainey. I tell my parents that I don't want to see her if she comes back to the hospital. It doesn't matter that the mere thought of never seeing her again makes me want to jump out my window.

Though it's an unbearable pain to let her go, she needs to think about herself, focus on the Games and her future. I'm an anchor around her neck. I'll only bring her down just as surely as I brought down Ashton. This is Lainey's time to realize her dream. I can't be the one to spoil it for her.

My doctor, my coaches, and my parents rotate through my room, trying to motivate me to work on recovering from my injuries. They assure me that a complete recovery is possible, despite the fact that I need my ACL completely reconstructed.

My teammates show up with words of encouragement and ask my advice for their own runs. Hearing their anxiety I acquiesce and attempt to ease the worry of my up-and-coming teammates. Most have never been to the Olympics. Seeing how this is my third, I'm able to provide advice from the perspective of a competitor and not just a coach.

Soon my room turns into a counseling den. Each one of my teammates comes to me with their doubts and fears about the course and we talk through best tactics for tackling them.

John, in particular, who was my roommate when we arrived at the Games and one of the most gifted skiers on the team, has been having nightmares about being stuck at the start gate. In his dream he can't leave the start gate no matter what he does.

"And now it's affecting me when I'm awake. When it's time to take off out of the start gate, I hesitate and it's getting worse each time, because now I'm thinking about it every time I enter the start tent. The more I think about it, the more it swirls around in my head and I freeze when I'm supposed to be attacking the run. I don't know what to do to stop it."

"Do you know what you're afraid of exactly?"

"Not finishing the race. Coming in last. Crashing. Death. Sorry, I know you're dealing with your own shit right now. You don't need to hear about mine," he says.

"What else have I got to do? I'm stuck in this bed until my head and knee are well enough for me to go home. I'm not going anywhere."

"Thanks, it helps, talking to you."

"There's something more going on here," I say. "You described the fears we all have as skiers. You need to figure out if there's something in particular that is driving you to have these nightmares now. What has changed from last month when you could fly out of the start gate to today, when you're having nightmares and hesitating. Once you figure it out, then you can work on addressing the root cause of these nightmares. Anything else is addressing the symptoms and not the illness."

"What if it's something I can't change or work on?"

"There's no such thing as 'can't' – you either want to work on it or you don't. Only you can decide if it's better to bury your head in the sand and have it continue to affect your skiing and probably your life, or work on what is really bothering you so you can be the best elite skier in the world. Just remember, life is messy for all of us. No one has it easier or better. We're all just trying to live, work hard, and ideally, try to always be better."

"I couldn't agree more." I look up at the door. It's Lainey. She has overheard my speech to John. She leans against the doorway, looking as beautiful as ever. She has her hair up in a bun, probably on her way to competition.

John gets up. "I'm John, one of Cory's teammates. And you're...Lainey from the figure skating team. I recognize you from all the news reports. Congrats on last night's performance. I heard you brought down the house."

"Thank you. I'm actually on my way to the free skate – we'll see if we can pick up some gold for the U.S. tonight. I thought I'd drop in on my friend Cory to see how he's doing." She looks at me then back at John, "At least I thought I was his friend. His parents said he doesn't want to see me. But I convinced them that his brain is just a little crossed at the moment, you know, from his concussion and all. Right Cory?"

John looks at me then at Lainey. "Well, I'm going to head out. I'm famished. Eating six thousand calories a day isn't easy to do." We all laugh in agreement.

John takes Lainey's hand. A feeling of jealousy washes over me. "Lainey, good luck with the competition tonight. I'll be rooting for you and your teammates."

John heads out and Lainey walks in and closes the door. I sit up a little straighter in bed, thinking I must look and smell terrible.

"How are you today?" she asks.

"Just dandy, and yourself?" I ask, resisting every muscle in my body from taking her hand and pulling her to me.

"Oh you know, just competing at the Olympics. No big deal." She flashes me her gorgeous smile. She comes closer to me and sits on my bed. I feel the heat from  her legs touching mine. She looks at me for a long time. Her shoulders heave as she takes a deep breath.

"I wanted you to know that I know what you're doing and I'm not going to let you push me away," she says.

"Lainey..."

"Cory, listen to me. I want to be here for you, help you through your recovery."

"Lainey, I'm sorry but I didn't want to see you because I don't think we're right for each other. I'm not feeling it."

"You're lying. Why would it be a good idea to lose what we've found together? I have never felt this way about another person. Ever. Losing you would be worse than any challenges life put in our way. And I'm pretty sure you feel the same."

This hits me like a ton of bricks. How can she see such good things in me when all I can see is the bad? She has her entire future in front of her. She doesn't need an over-his-prime skier who's fucked up in the head.

"Lainey, I just think it's best if you forgot about me.  I could never be who you want me to be."

"You already are the person I want you to be. I see so much more in you that you won't allow yourself to see. Let me be here for you. Show you who you really are. You deserve to be happy."

I place my hand on her cheek. "Lainey, I think you're an amazing woman." I feel a tear fall down her face onto my hand. I gently wipe it off her cheek.

"Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to your competition and kick some Russian butt, okay? Give me time to think about everything.

She nods and stands up. "I'll see you tomorrow. I'm not giving up on you."