I Think I Have Insomnia

10

So it's only 12:11 AM but I wanted to write this shit so here we go.

Does anyone else get like extreme anxiety before school starts? Like, is it just me that will be having a normal day, doing something totally normal and then BAM! -- I break out into a cold sweat and have to control my breathing as my head pounds in anticipation of the school year ahead.

As someone with sleeping issues (potentially insomnia but probably not), school is something that I don't particularly hate for the teachers and the kids and the actual content (don't get me wrong, I don't like any of those things) but the worst part is waking up early because I like to stay up really late (hence the existence of this book).

But anyways, I guess I just really don't understand why I get so nervous. What do I think will happen? Like, so what if I'm late to class on the first day, it is not a reason to have a fucking panic attack or whatever. Like, I hate school and I love not going to school, but I understand that school is important and I gotta go to school to get the learning but I drive myself crazy with these random nerves.

But, moving on, I just got back from Puerto Rico with my family: My mom, my dad and my older brother.

Anyways, so it was okay. I love beaches but I'm terrified of the ocean. Also, it definitely didn't help that I was reading this book about these people that get stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean for two weeks and all of them die except two.

Like, okay, I'm terrrified of drowning. And yet I fucking love being on boats and going to the ocean.

I can't swim either, which probably adds to the fears.

Anyways, so bearing that in mine, last night, my family decided that we would go kayaking at this bioluminescent bay in the ocean... At fucking night.

So we got there and the guy started talking about kayaking through narrow channels and high tide and mangrove trees and I was just going crazy, like I'm talking, near-tears crazy. I was so scared, man, I was shaking.

It was like, hauntingly beautiful, with the ocean looking so black and clear, and the dark night sky this gorgeous dark indigo with the stars speckled numerously, reflected in the rhythmic waves, crashing into the Rocky shore. I was in awe but at the same time I was so terrified and I was like, "Shit, I gotta figure out what my last words will be. What the hell should I scream out using my last breath of air?"

Like, no joke, I was legit contemplating that. I was totally convinced I was going to die, and my heart was racing so fast.

Now, with everything I just wrote, you'd think my fear would be obvious, but no. I hate feeling scared because it makes me feel weak and exposed and I hate that feeling so much. I don't know what the fuck that says about me as a person and my insecurities but shit, you'd have no idea I was scared until you looked me right in the eyes and asked me and I told you.

Anyways so I was inwardly freaking out. Oh, and also, I suck ass at canoeing and kayaking is like the same thing but with a smaller boat. So basically I was totally inexperienced.

And it definitely didn't help when we were in line (by the way this place we were at was ghetto as shit) to get in the kayaks and the girl behind me screamed when a fucking rat crawled up her fiance's leg and then jumped back into the trash can it came from.

So after that I was just there thinking, "oh, fuck me, fuck my life, fuck, fuck this shit, fuck, I'm gonna die." So then we got into the kayaks and we started paddling.

So on the way there, the current was basically pulling us along so we didn't have to do much work. So I just tried to keep calm and yell out which side to paddle to my dad, who was behind me.

Then, we got inside the channel. At first, it was okay, but then everyone kept bumping into the fucking mangrove trees (short description: these water dwelling, shrub like, leafy plants with really hard roots and low hanging, hard vines. They basically formed the narrow channel we were kayaking in) and of course we were caught in the middle of it. So eventually, everyone else got out of it, but we kept getting stuck and eventually the guy just got fucking tired so he attatched our boat to his and he pulled us along.

So, that was actually fucking nice. I just sort of looked up at the sky and it was really pretty and shit, despite how fucking embarrassed I was.

So then we finally got to the bioluminescent bay. We had to stop paddling (well, not us, but everyone else) and hold each other's boats while the guy told us what was supposed to happen.

Basically, these micro-organisms live in the lagoon and they give off a light when you move them around. So we dipped our hands in and moved them around and little sparkles were visible in the water.

It might sound magical and all, but it was fucking trash. There are three of these areas in Puerto Rico where the creatures can be found, and we went to the most trash one because it was the closest to our hotel. In the other ones, it gets hella lit (lmao that pun kill me now) but this one was having some trouble or whatever.

So basically, it was all for nothing, or more like, very little of something.

Anyways, after that pathetic experience, we had to go back. At this point the guy had unhooked us, so we were on our own. We did okay, but sometimes the current was hella strong so it would just take us backwards.

It wouldn't have bothered me as much if this ANNOYING ASS couple wasn't behind us screaming "what are you tryna do, why in the world are you going towards that tree" like BITCH we are not trying to get stuck in a motherfucking tree on purpose okay? What, do you think we fucking enjoy getting our kayak stuck in the hard roots of a mangrove tree and letting everyone pass us before we push ourselves back out? NO WE FUCKING DON'T! And on top of that, this fucking couple just thought they were the fucking best. We weren't the only ones with problems against the current, so a couple of times the entire group would stop and hold onto the trees until the ocean calmed down. This couple would just be whining shit like "why are we stopping? Oh my God this is so slow."

And as if they weren't annoying enough, they also were rude as fuck and whenever we got stuck in mangrove roots (we were in front of them btw) they would be all "umm.. do you think it would be possible if we could, I don't know, maybe, actually pass through here? mmhm, yeah that would just be great." Like these bitches just like oh my fucking Jesus Christ dude, calm the fuck down, and be a little nicer maybe?

Like, listen dude, it's the middle of the fucking night (okay more like ten o clock, but still it's pitch black in this channel thing when you can't see the sky) and half of this group is new to kayaking. We're just out here tryna have a good time, and learn some shit. Why you gotta be so fucking rude?

Ugh.

But anyways, we made it out of the channel without too much trouble and we came back out into that black, open ocean.

Fucking terrifying.

So I'm soaking wet, shivering, my arms are tired from paddling against the current, and then of course the waves just start to get extra choppy.

Oh my Lord I was just in a complete state of utter horror. Just sheer fear, coursing through my head as they yelled out directions and we all gripped on to each other's canoes for dear life.

So finally, it calmed down and we got off the canoes and I ran past the trash can with the rat and basically I just went into total bitch mode after that, still shaken up by the terrifying experience. I literally refused to speak for the rest of the night.

Anyways, so I woke up and I was okay, and everything is back to normal and this is a long ass chapter but I needed to write out the whole experience. even though I probably did a bad and confusing job but fuck it like nobody reads this shit anyways.

Anyways so for the rest of the trip we went to the rainforest, ate Puerto Rican food, went to the pool and the beach, visited old San Juan and all the good stuff. It was a true shame to end it with something like that.

I think the whole thing would have been much nicer during the day, or if I knew how to kayak but basically I'm now scarred for life and still terrified of drowning and a total fucking drama queen.

Annnnnnd good night.