I Think I Have Insomnia

*13*

I haven't updated this book in a really long time, but today I was like what the hell? Even though it's like 7:00 pm, I feel like pouring my feelings out.

So dreams are really, really fucking weird. I used to get nightmares a lot. They were like, really, really scary and in order to stop having them, every night I'd pretend to go to sleep at my normal time and then once it was past 12:00 am and I was sure that my whole family was asleep, I'd turn the lights up a little (I shared a room with my brother at the time, and we had a dinner nightlight) and I'd read for hours, until my eyes hurt, and then I'd fall asleep. Whenever I did that, which was most nights, I didn't dream.

But then, I moved rooms, and I didn't have the dimmer light anymore and I wasn't superhuman so I couldn't see in the dark. I was still terrified to go to sleep, so at first I'd just try my hardest to not fall asleep, but of course it never worked. But the nightmares had stopped, and I had started having the "normal" kind of dreams again. But I was scared of the dark so every night I'd go to sleep saying a word over and over in my mind until I fell asleep.

It's not like I never had a nightmare again, but I didn't get them every night like I used to.

And then I had this phase where I was really obsessed with lucid dreaming, and i tried to do it every night, but I was never able to do it completely. I got really really close a few times, but I'd always jut end up waking myself up.

Anyways, my dreams are usually pretty vivid when I can remember them. I haven't had a nightmare in ages, but the last time I got one I was close to tears. Usually, they're fantasy, but I find that the more stressed I am, the more trivial they become.

Like, for example, during finals week, the only dreams I could remember were about grades. And most years before school starts, I'll have a recording dream about getting lost on the first day.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that some of the stuff I dream about is literally stuff that I dream about happening in real life. For example, these two dreams I've had about the love of my life freak me out because I don't know if my mind is giving me a glimpse of the future (because my dreams have done that before) or if the guy I'm dreaming about is literally just my dream guy, and I'm going to end up with someone completely different.

Or sometimes, when I'm feeling conflicted about someone, I'll have a dream about them that reveals my true feelings, like for example, a guy that I wasn't sure if I liked or not giving me a kiss on the cheek.

On the opposite hand, my dreams can make me feel conflicted about someone that I wasn't conflicted about before, like a friend betraying me.

And, like I've said before, my dreams have often given me insight into the future, but it wasn't anything on a large scale, it was more like "you're going to get this person as a partner" or "this is what your eating for dinner tomorrow night."

I've only sleep-walked twice, both times when I was running a 104 degree fever, and I've cried out once in my sleep, during a dream I like to call "the cookie dream" which wasn't even a nightmare or anything.

Lately, my dreams are more like the revealing/conflicting type and the occasional prediction. Most of my dreams are now more or less realistic fiction.

There was a period in my life where I'd have these amazing, vivid, adventurous dreams every night and I was so excited to go to sleep, but I haven't had one of those in a really long time.

It's honestly lowkey depressing.

Speaking of depressing, I feel really lost about my life right now. I mean, sure, that's normal, I'm not even going to argue that I'm special for feeling lost, but the truth of the matter is that I am lost and I don't really know what to do about it, which makes me feel more lost.

I think part of it is being by myself so much. It's kind of damaging because when left alone, I typically think really deep thoughts, and on days like today when I feel extremely lost, I just go off on a tangent in my head.

I kind of get jealous of other people that are constantly hanging out with their friends and I might think they're annoying but at the same time I admire them because their problems seem so normal. Just the usual boy trouble or family drama.

I don't know, sometimes I think I'm really going insane. Like I just wish I could turn off my thoughts for like a solid minute and just enjoy a little peace and quiet in my head.

But at the same time, if my problems were that normal, I wouldn't be seeing the world in the way that I see it, and the truth is, if I didn't have those lost thoughts in my head, I'd be normal, and I wouldn't want that.

If there's one thing I learned from the hell that was 2016, it's that we can't expect everybody to see the world the same way that we do because it's not like any one person is right about it.

I don't know, there's a ton of stuff I could talk about but I just don't really know about any of it right now. I feel like I'm just kind of here and that's all there is.

Oh and another thing though, sometimes when I tell people things, I'm really not asking for any advice. Because when I rant, usually it's just me complaining about something that I already have figured out. I don't really need other people who think they know me to give me advice on something they think they understand. I just want them to listen. That's it. Also I'm stubborn and I need to figure things out by myself, so I typically ignore most of the advice that people give me anyways. That's not so good, is it?

But like of course I'm not going to be rude and say that I don't need their advice because I already have it figured out, so I say "thank you for trying to help and for being a good friend and taking an interest in my problems." Because I'm not rude like that.

Anyways I'm going to stop typing and go take another shower to hopefully clear my thoughts a little bit and then get back to failing life.