I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of thinking that he doesn't care, but I know he does. he doesn't show it.
I'm sick of being guilt tripped, whether he does it voluntarily or not.
I'm sick of saying "I love you" and not hearing it back sometimes. I know he does. he doesn't show it.
I'm sick of listening to complaints when him but mainly my own heart and mind is hurting myself so bad.
I want the old him back. the one that sent me sweet paragraphs while I was asleep. the one that I was sure that genuinely asked me how I was and cared about me. the one that loved and showed it.
funny thing. he told me he loved me and, of course, I said I love you back.
"do you really? because it doesn't seem like it."
yeah I do. actually, I've been trying super hard to show how much I care, so that really hurts. plus the other night you said I was losing interest in you. that really hurts. and to top it off, it's hard to believe that you're trying in this relationship anymore.
if something doesn't change, one day I'm going to end up in someone else's arms and then you'll see how badly you've messed up.
now I know that some of this is period me talking, so it might be unreasonable...
but even my mom noticed how different he's treating me. just from a small 45 minute get-together.
she compared our relationship to a past male friendship of my own.
every car ride with my boyfriend is silent. he won't even look at me unless I bring attention to myself.
with (let's call him James for his sake) James, we talked and laughed and joked nonstop. I always had so much fun with him.
my boyfriend always makes rude jokes, and my mom (and I) sometimes (most of the time) sees them as rude. (very)
James made jokes like that, but it was very clear they were jokes. they weren't rude.
but as our relationship tried (and failed) to switch from platonic to romantic, he cautioned me of some of the traits he has as a partner. and honestly, they aren't that different from my boyfriend's. would I be in the same situation now if things did work out? who knows. I love my boyfriend now, and I appreciate his support and value him highly in my life.
I just miss the guy I fell in love with. I know he's there.
And I'm not going to give up on him.
(for the record, I have only platonic feelings for James now. and also periods suck. so. many. emotions. thanks for reading lol bye!!!)
