Caged Hearts

3

Jhene

This feeling is strange; not too familiar yet too strange. I never know how to define it. I want to smile, laugh along with everyone but something in me grabs my heart tight, crushes it to pieces. The brightness inside of me is gulped by something dark. No, I would be wrong to say it is dark - it is empty, nothing else.

Her leaving  me cause me great  damage.  I was never good at pressures and drama. I just lost the love of my life. I lost a good friend. I'm alone . I never really had bestfriend not a school friend, I mean a person who comes to  your house sleeps over hung out and go to different places friend. Even though that she was gone out my love life she still talked to me barely.

"Hey"

"Yeah hey." She said nonchalant

"What you doing," I asked

"Nothing."she said. I can hear  her typing. I know who she's texting. She was silent for 10mins. Laughing and giggling. If you didn't want to talk to me why call me.

"Oh yeah Jhene wassup."

"Nothing just bored".

"Oh." She began typing again. I was out of the picture and it hurts so much.

If she really wanted to talk she would say something.

I don't want this. I dont want things to end like this. Eventually she hung up.

I always knew I was crazy but not this much. I would automatically rock back and forth. I feel as this was my deepest darkest point of my depression. I feel as if I was a baby who needed to be nurtured.

The world is empty without your love. How can I move on. How can I cope. Cutting. When you put that knife to your skin it's like feeling something when your feeling nothing inside. Your heart starts pounding and you can't stop. When  you see the blood running down your arm for the first time you start to feel bad at first but it immediately disappears. All the emptiness you feel inside  is replaced with pain or grieve. It strips everything out of your mind, lifts  all the pressure and stress. When I look at the cut afterwards it remind me of how she cut me like a knife.

Imagine  your worst  nightmare. Now imagine  that you can't wake up, but wait, you're already  awake. How does that make you feel?Petrified. There's no smiles,  no cosy conversation, no giggles and worst of all  no love. My worst fear has come true, my nightmare.

All those bizarre ideas that make so much sense when you’re asleep start to make sense with your eyes wide open. Her being with someone  else, her ignoring how I feel, her not talking to me, her not giving a damn about me, her caring for others when I care about her the most, her giving others more attention and affection, it never felt as if we was in the relationship  it was just like I was there to be there. I see...... you never loved me.... I-I-I tried I gave my hardest to you. I-I want to hurt you. Choke, Stab, and kill you. I know this is  unhealthy but why do I still love even when I want to do these thing to you. I don't understand.

The school pe rally was today.
To me it was just a normal  day. Everyone  was excited. During  my forth period we were all waiting for the  principal to say we can to the gym.

"You should let me paint your face for the pre rally." This Payton. She's pretty cool. I don't really talk to her, but she's nice.

"Awww come on you would look so cute. Just do it." She said in excitement.  She wouldn't stop asking. Every 5 minutes she would ask.

"Ok ok ok Fine go ahead." I said finally giving  in. I couldn't take it anymore.  I let her put whiskers and black  on my tip of my nose like a cat or a lion.

"See Jhene  you look soooo adorab..."

The speaker had cut her off

"Teachers if you please  bring your class to gym."

The halls were crowded with people, running screaming and talking. Sound of multiple conversations going off at once, lockers opening and closing, music playing without headphones.It was total  chaos.  That one couple  thats always  kissing, the fuck boys trying to hit on girls, the loud ass band kids,and the over excite people  or just goofy  making the most noise ever. And then there was me, not over excited, just chillen.

The gym was overcrowded. I hate being push around. They were pushing  sooo bad that one of my friends, V some how ended up  next to me.  V is short and sweet. She's like a santa helper. You can talk to her about anything i mean anything.

"Ayeeeee girlll wassup." She said hugging  me tight

"Hey wassup"

"Where Onika she's not here with you." She asked

"No she's with Robyn." I said look at her in the distance having fun and laughing.

"Ummm... ohhh well girl. Its time to turn up. Its lit girl!!!!"

Music was playing in the background. Soon the hip-hop club was going to  perform. Then all of  sudden Onika  came over.

"Hey yall, Onika",said smiling.

"Hey girlll!" V ran to her giving her a huge hug. "I haven't  seen you in awhile."

"I know, so wassup with you," Onika said

"Nothing  girl chillen,"V said

"Why are you here"-_- I said  seriously.

"Ummm... cause I want to be here , so we not friends  now or something."

I didn't say anything after that. Why all of a sudden she  wants to hung out with us. She never wanted to hung out before.  She's  so confusing.  She give so many mix signals.

When the pep rally  was over  Onika and I  waited  for the bus. Shewas so excited. She took pictures with everyone  even me. We couldn't find the  bus so i decide to  to look a little harder while she was taking pictures.  I ran around like crazy and finally  found  it. But what i seen next had me furious. Robyn bare hot breath  was on Onika neck. Robyn  head deep in Onika neck. She stare right in my eyes while  she was kissing  onika neck. Ours eyes was locked on each other, she smiled  at me. I wanted to go over their and grab the bitch by her throat and choke slam her.

Heyyyy Onikaaaaaa!!!!  The bus is over here. I said. But I know i wont have the guts to confront her and robyn knewn that  I wouldn't.

Ummmm... yeaaa ok I'm coming. She smiled  awkwardly😅😓

Jhene wait up, she said running  behind  me.

Aye you wouldn't  believe  what Robyn  did to me. We was on the bus now

I know she  was  kissing  on your neck and you like it....

Oh..... ummmm......

We was silent for  the rest of the bus ride.

When I got home the nausea swirled unrestrained in my empty stomach. My head swam with half-formed regrets. My heart felt as if my blood had become tar as it struggled to keep a steady beat. I know I'm a  cry baby but she's  the only person who can make me cry like this. I miss her soo much and what I seen today I  know I I can't compete with her. Look at here damn it she has a bigger booty then me or tits are bout the  same but her body is more curved then mines. She can make Onika laugh and she doesn't  mind being out in the open with her, in the public but with me it was a problem. Robyn is just better than me. Just face the fact Jhene.

       Shes not mine

My Mine?

My Mine.....

The memories we had the times we spent together.

Memories sinkin', deep in, leakin' in my mine,
All of the time tried to forget you,
Thought I could get you to be mine.

My first  chorus of a song. That's where  it all began. Me writing music for myself for my eyes only. While I was making  "My Mine" I  kept  thinking.

You once told me....
I was the drug you couldn’t quit.
I guess.... you must've found someone you could call your rehab.......