I'm Not Okay

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Emmi

I wake up early Saterday morning. I got all my homework done last night for the weekend like I usually do. I put on my clothes and put on my gym shows. Mom's still passed out on the couch. I put a few granola bars, a few waters and two sandwiches in my bag and quietly leave the house.

I wouldn't actually run away. I jut spend every weekend outside from seven to dark. I walk outside and just walk on the path looking around me. Everything's quiet and most are asleep. My house is pretty much a mile out of town, but that's okay. I don't mind the walk. I walk in to the shady woods and look up at the tall trees surrounding me. I find the tree I've climbed on since I was six. It's super tall to most people, but to me it's not too bad.

I place my hand on a brach amd pull my self up. My fee fnd a good spot and go up to the next until I'm about thirty feet up. I look down and grin. I pull myself up a little more and find the branch I usually sit on. I've carved my name in. That was when I eight, when I found a pocket knife on the ground. I've had the same knife since amd keep it in my backpack.

I take it out and carve a few more drawings in. I put that out and just sit and stare at the scenery. The wind blows, whipping my hair.

I've been doing this same thing for six years. I knew as a little girl I wasn't loved as a child should. As anyone should. I learned to do things on my own. Shopping, cooking and cleaning Things a mother knows, apparently not my mom.

I've been independent like this all my life and it's getting to the point where it's no longer fun. I do this every Saterday and Sunday. I wake up, check up on my mom, pack, leave, eat, come back and then sleep.

Kids don't talk to me. I don't blame them. I smell like beer and smoke. I don't even realize I'm crying until I feel a drop on my hand. I wipe my eyes but more tears come. Decorating my hand like rain drops on a window.

I feel my eyes full and my soft crys turn to sobs. Everything I've been through, I've never cried until now. I guess everything's gotten to me. I lean against the trunk and let the tears fall. I pull my knees to my chest and squeeze my backpack to my chest.

I've never felt what true love was like ever since my grandmother died.

I push my backpack off my lap and put my head in my knees and wrap my arms around my self.

I just want to give up.

I just want to give up

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