To The Guy I Like [™VannaGranger111]

Entry #1_Aug. 13, 2016

Dear You,

                    I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate the fact that just being able to see you makes me so happy. I hate it that when I try to sneak a glance at you, somebody's blocking my view. I hate it when I daydream about you out of the blue. I hate the fact that my friends are closer than you even when I've been with you way longer than them. I hate it when I couldn't make a choice of what to wear in the morning because I want to impress you. Yes. That's it!  I don't want to impress you! And yet here I am, defying everything my mind tells me. I never felt this way before.

Of all my five crushes (including you) , you were the only one that I gets me so confused. So confused as if its my first time in the field of romance. Hell, I couldn't even accept that I like you at first. One moment I was curious if you really liked the girl that sits beside you in our last class , and then suddenly I'm always looking for you. I only accepted the truth that I like you because its really annoying when I fight with what I feel. Tell myself lies.

Then as days pass, your every smile is like a multivitamin that keeps me so happy when I'm supposed to be not. For a time I actually believed that I'm already inlove with you. I've always wondered when I was in highschool what it feels to be inlove. Getting confused and all, I thought that maybe this is now love.

When the 2nd semester ended, I told myself that I'm going crazy. Told myself that what I feel would surely go away before vacation ends. It did.

I only remember you when my friends would mention you. It also helped that we weren't classmates over the summer term.

But honestly, I did look for you on the first and second day of class. I even asked your friends if you shifted cause I remember you saying something like that before. He said you didn't and also said you're just in another block. I was fine with it. Not until I saw you standing in the corridor after my first class one day.

It all came crashing to me. How much I missed you. Your smile and mysterious guy vibe. All of it! I missed you so much I swear I almost went up to you and hug you.

Despite being happy that day, I don't want to get my hopes up. I tried to squish my feelings again. Which is an epic fail because I always look for you after my first class. I didn't get to see you that much, specially after our first exams. Still it was okay.

Summer term ended. Another vacation. Enrolment. I'm officially a second year. And then there I go again. Looking for you if you are in the class.

You're not there. It was my chance to really forget and squish this confusing feelings I have. I don't want it. I certainly don't need it.

Just when I thought I wouldn't see you again, I saw you in my last class. For a split second I didn't care but I looked at you again just to make sure and there you are with your usual cool outfit. One of the things I like about you.

Though my happiness of seeing you, after a long time, was short lived. I was watching you talking and smiling at the girl beside you. She's not the girl they believed that you like but I still felt so jealous. I never liked that girl. So I am seriously jealous that I got mad at myself. Mad at myself for being jealous when it was the last thing on earth I want to feel. I'm also feeling hurt when there is actually no big reason to get hurt. The pain in my chest was so strong I want to cry. Luckily, we went home early because I lost my mood to listen to the professor.

Now here I am writing you a letter. Love letter actually but obviously there is no loving thing on it. It was supposed to be a happy one because I feel happy when I started writing but then I remembered what happened when I first saw you again. That's why I sound bitter or whatever you call it. I just want to let it out. On the wrong place I know but I have a reason. I just hope things get better with me as time goes by. Nice haircut by the way!

Always,
Vanna

P.S.
I still like you and I hate it. Screw hormones too! And would it hurt you to spare a glance at me?! It hurts you know! (fakern 'ngem ulay'!)