Star Crossed Myth: Black Holes

Chapter 19: Confrontations

I no longer saw clearly. In the cafeteria, the next morning, there remained forty-two of us. Samuel was still alive. I could not bring myself to look into his eyes when he asked me of Jonah. When breakfast ended, I brought him to the cave, and showed him Jonathan's dead body. He did not smile.

From then on, Samuel did not stay with me in the cave. It was up to me to remove Jonathan's body from the cave before it rotted. I buried him behind it, near the river. I did not pray for him, because gods did not protect him. And I did not pray for my protection because I knew they would not listen.

Twice more, other children attacked me. Twice more, I killed my friends, my family. Twice more, I buried. Every single day, I cried in my cave. I cried, remembering the 'Heaven' I had imagined this place to be. Remembering letting the other girls braid my hair as we sung. I cried, remembering the dances the others showed me. I cried, remembering the fun we had when we picked ripe mangoes and had a feast by the river. Every day, I cried, cried, cried, as I had to bury more and more of them.

Three months passed by. Twenty-seven more of my comrades fell under my weapon. The memories I enjoyed with them began to assault me, and their voices begun to turn on me. No longer were they calling my name in joy. They were cursing it, cursing me to live on with my tainted hands. Like a corpse, I stumbled into the cafeteria. Only nine of us remained. When I looked at them, I saw only diamonds. They walked not like children, but like animals, as they sized up their opponents. Samuel was alive. He never smiled again.

There were five of us left. I had only taken one life. It was Zara. She plaited my hair beautifully, and shared her fruit with me when I couldn't find any. I had to smash her head in because she had attempted to ambush me. I smashed her face so bad I couldn't recognize her. Now, all the memories I had of her were curses. As she whispered in my ear, "You murdered me, so you will live for me." I never left the cave unless it was time to eat. Even when it was time to eat, I only ever managed three spoons. We did not sit next to each other, the remaining ones. We ate in silence. We finished our food. When all of us were done, we set off into the forest on our own paths.

I had a single path. One I never strayed from, simply because it was the fastest way back to the cave. This time, however, I detoured. It was not intentional. I just went where my feet led me. It is when I came to a clearing. There lay the decomposing bodies of my brethren. Dozens of them. I felt the air leave my lungs. They all lay there, as flies swarmed them, and maggots crawled in them. Crows poked at their decaying flesh. Their poor souls. Their poor souls. I could no longer stand on my own, and I wept for them all on my knees. I wept until the darkness fell upon me.

On the last week, there only remained two of us. When I came to the cafeteria, I sat on the table I had sat on for four years. It was my birthday. In the hot month of December, this day was cold. I thought, at first, that I was the last one. The souls of my friends clung to my skin. But when I had put my food on my plate, I saw Samuel come forth from the darkness of the forest. He was covered in blood. He received his food, and placed it before me. I could only look on in a silent daze. He sat in front of me, and I dared not look into his eyes. I didn't want to think that Samuel, the boy with the smile like the sun, was like the rest of them. But I looked. I had faith in him. I put all the faith I had in God, in Samuel. But yet again, all my faith was betrayed. In Samuel's eyes, lay not diamonds or jewels. He stared at me, with a smile not as bright as the sun, but as dark as a moonless night.

The moon was huge. I sat in my cave, numb from all the kills I had to perform. I could not stop replaying them over and over, as the souls I murdered whispered curses and death into my ears. I remember Zara. I remember smashing her head in. I remember Anne, stabbing her until she no longer moved. I remember Akuchi, who I pushed into his own waiting spear. I remember Chidiabere, who I strangled to death. I remember Nyarai, whose neck I snapped after a long struggle. I remember Mayeso, whose legs I broke because of his amazing agility. I know he suffered for days before he died of infection. All of them changed in the last moments of their death. Their eyes always returned to the ones I had in my memories. Without fail. Without fail.

I heard a footstep, and Samuel appeared before me. His face was calm, the stick in his hand loose. "Imani. How many of our brethren have you killed?" he asked, not in English, but in our tongue. "Thirty-one." I simply whispered. I hear him whistle. "Wow!! I never thought you'd get that many!!" he said, impressed. He sauntered to me, his blood-tainted stick moving ominously by his side. Samuel was two years older than me. He was ten years old. He was one of the oldest in the camp, before it turned into this hell. "I've killed about thirty. That makes sixty-one for both of us! Isn't that insane?" he laughed happily. Why was he so happy? Why was he smiling so brightly? "Imani. You remember the life we had back home, right?" I nodded numbly. "We were orphans. Your mother had abandoned you, and my mother died after giving birth to me. We would not be treated so badly amongst our own people if our fathers weren't foreigners, aren't I right?" What does that matter? I would rather go back to that than live a day longer here. "I never called you an abomination because I am also an abomination. When the other children bullied you and called you demeaning names, you sat there and took it with a brave face. It was I who taught those children what is meant by the word 'fear'." I nodded again. "I killed the children who would not pick up weapons and defend themselves. There were a lot more than I ever suspected."

"With Jonah?" I silently asked. I saw him nod. "But you killed him when he went for you. I told him not to touch you, because you were my friend." Were. We were not friends anymore? It hurt very badly, because I still believed him to be my dearest friend. My only friend. "Jonah was the only one who could understand what this meant." He says, waving his hands around. "What does it mean?" he laughed at my question. A boisterous laugh. "This is what a human being is. A violent creature that steps on its own kind for its own selfishness. That's what a human being is! But I don't step on others for some diamond. I am different, because I step on humans because I want to. I do not kill others because I have to. I kill others because I want to. I learned from Father. Existentialism. There is no meaning in our lives, other than the meaning we give to ourselves. So much freedom, everywhere we look. There is so much freedom!! So the only way for us to live truthfully is for us to do as we please. To live the way we want. To live true to ourselves."

"So you liked killing our friends?" it is a silent question, one devoid of emotion. "Yes, actually. It was a great deal of fun." He says this in English. I see. Samuel had also died. I had failed to see that all those times. I had failed to acknowledge that my friend was dead. I had failed to bury Samuel. That is why I stood silently, wielding the stick that once belonged to Jonah.

What is even going on. I'm so sorry for making this all dark and depressing and stuff. It just, had to be done.