How To Save A Life

Chapter 23

*Trigger Warning*

*This might spoil the chapter, but I feel it's important to warn readers that this chapter contains a suicide*

I've never lost anyone close to me. I've never had anyone close to me to lose, except Mavis. The thought of losing Mavis never even crossed my mind. In every possible future I saw for myself, good or bad, Mavis was always there. Twenty years from now I'd be married with children and still bringing Mavis to appointments. Twenty years from now I'd be living in a studio apartment on the bad side of town with only my pet fish to keep me company, but I'd still be bringing Mavis to appointments. I'd always be bringing Mavis to appointments, or so I thought.

When I walked into Mavis and I's room that night I didn't process what I saw. I didn't understand it, I didn't understand why Mavis looked so lifeless and pale. When she sleeps she moves around, but this time she wasn't moving. It wasn't until I saw the empty pill bottle on the table next to her that I truly comprehended what was happening. What had already happened. 

Mavis was dead, and the pill bottle next to her seemed happy to prove it. It sat there-lid off, contents gone- and it mocked me. The pills that were supposed to help her are what hurt her in the end. The irony was not lost on me. The pills that were always so difficult for her to take were too easy to take this time. If only she'd struggled to take them now as she always did before, maybe she'd still be here. Or maybe she'd have found a different way. 

I grabbed the empty bottle off the table. I don't know what I planned to do with it, burn it maybe, but I knew i had to get it out of my sight. The bottle was long forgotten though when I saw what was under it. A piece of notebook paper, folded neatly in half with my name written across it. I didn't want to open it. I didn't want to read it. But they were written for me, I knew I had to. 

"Juniper, I love you. You did everything for me. You were everything for me. I needed you like I needed air and you were always there for me. I know you never needed me like I needed you, which is why I know you'll be okay. For so long I burdened you with responsibilities no teenager should have and I'm not going to do it anymore. I want you to be free to live the life I've always wanted for you, a fun one. A normal one. Life wasn't fun for me, it  was suffocating and I don't want that for you. I know we're not religious, but wherever I go I'm sure I'll be happier there. I'm okay now. I promise. There's nothing you could have done so don't blame yourself even for a second. Thank you for giving me everything. -Mavis"

 When I finished reading Mavis's letter, I cried. When I saw my mother weeping next to me on the floor, I cried. When I called 911 and hoped they could understand my blubbering, I cried. When the ambulance showed up to take my sister's body I cried. Before that night I never cried. But that night, I cried.

My father came home soon after the ambulance left. My mother rode with the ambulance, so he came home to find me crying alone on the floor of my room. I didn't know what words a person uses to tell a man their daughter is dead, I still don't, so I gave him my letter instead. I watched as a look of horror crossed his face, as tears welled up in his eyes, and I said nothing. He drops the letter and sinks to the floor. I expect him to say something. He doesn't.

For hours we sat in the room together. For hours we said nothing. There was nothing to say. There was nothing to do. We just sat and watched the clock, watched the minutes go by. We were waiting for something, but there was nothing to wait for. Nothing was happening, nobody was coming. But we waited anyway.

We soon fell asleep with dried tears and puffy faces. Neither of us said it out loud, but I know we're both hoping that when we woke up this would all be over. When we woke up mother would walk through the door, a disgruntled but living Mavis in tow. In our minds, somehow, the doctors healed her. Somehow, they brought life back to her lifeless body. 

We didn't stay asleep for long. My mother came home and everything was set into action. With renewed strength she started planning the funeral. That's the mother I'm used to. The crying mess from before was a foreign person to me. 

More goes into planning a funeral than I ever thought about. Then again I never really thought about planning funerals. But my mother handled all of it. All the questions thrown her way. She made plans that no mother ever wants to make and she does it without shedding another tear. She's the strongest of us all, but it's always been that way.

My father took a week off work. I expected him to throw himself into his work, but his presence at home was welcome. I never thought my parents cared, and maybe they never did before, but now they do. Now they care enough to check up on me every hour of every day up until the funeral.

And that's how I got here. Standing in a grave yard by my sister's casket with one parent on either side. Behind me is everyone my parents know, all of Mavis's doctors, and Sean. I haven't talked to Sean since the night Mavis died, but I'm sure my mother told him. 

I don't know what to say to Sean. How do I explain that it's my fault she's gone. I knew she wasn't feeling great that night and if I had stayed home to check on her she'd probably still be here. If I tell him it's my fault he'll hate me. But if I don't tell him and he finds out some other way, he'll hate me even more. 

So instead of worry about it, I just don't talk to him. I see him making his way towards me after the funeral is over, but I just walk away. I walk away from him the way I wish I could walk away from my problems. But unlike him, my problems come with me.

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Hello! Okay so I just want to be clear, I do not blame Juniper for Mavis's death. Juniper blames herself for Mavis's death but she's wrong cause the only thing to blame for Mavis's death is mental illness. Also me. I wrote the story so I guess i can be blamed for Mavis's death. I hope this chapter was alright, I'm sure it isn't one that anybody will enjoy necessarily, but i did try my best writing this chapter. It was really hard to write though, anytime you're touching on a topic as sensitive as suicide it can be really difficult so I hope I handled it well and wrote about it well and didn't offend anyone cause that was not my intention at all. i wanted to give as real a reaction as i could to a situation I've never been in. SO anyway, let me know what you thought of the chapter. Comment and vote! thanks for reading!