Rue

18. Painful Memories

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday my dear bro,
Happy birthday to you.

The tears well up in my eyes, touched by what Rhianna did for me.

Not just for that, but also for what happened, just a few hours ago.

A few hours ago...

"I'm just going out for a while okay? I'll buy a gift for you. Be a good boy and wait till I come home." Father patted me on the head, asking me to be good at home and not bully my sister.

Naive as I am, I asked, "Father, am I going to get what I want if I am a good boy?"

"You never know. It's a surprise, remember?" Father said, and he walked out of the door, locked the gates and drove away.

I waved as hard as I could until he was just a speck in the distance, never knowing that it would be the last time I see him.

Mum's phone rang a while later but I didn't bother because mum had told me to never pick it up even if it's fun because I'm a good boy.

She came, picked up the phone and started running upstairs.

I knew, somehow, that something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was, and what I could only remember was mum crying and driving away too.

She left a note.

I couldn't decipher the words. I couldn't understand it. Or maybe, I refused to.

For it said,

Chaol dear, happy birthday,
Dad and mum wishes you the best,
But today, you'll have to celebrate it by yourself.
Sorry dear, but Rhianna is there for you,
and the housemaids. :)

Why? My mind was full of why, and I couldn't think because I only understand what is "by myself", and I was certainly not doing that.

They promised me that they would celebrate it together with me.

They've promised.

Together. Just us. Me, father, mum, and Rhianna. Dad isn't in the picture.

Where's father? He said he would come back.

I seated myself at the windowsill and looked outside, waiting and waiting for the black car to come back, signalling that father is home.

No, he never came home.

And now here I am, celebrating my birthday only with Rhianna...

The next day, mum tells me everything.

How his car met with an accident, because of a foolish lorry driver.

How the poles that fell went through the car.

How they pinned him to the car seat, and how he tried to avoid them.

How, he is no more here.

I remember plugging my ears with my hands, crying and asking her to stop, to stop saying that he is no more, to stop saying that I can't talk to him anymore, because he would never ever leave us.

Never.

I saw his body, and I wanted to break the stupid glass and the box that held him and ask him to wake up.

But mum said I have to be a good boy, and good boys don't do that.

I didn't understand.

Why can't I? 

Why?

He's just sleeping, isn't he?

But father never came out from the box. He laid there, unmoving, not even smiling at me, not once.

People passing by, telling me that they "offer condolences".

Flowers placed on the box.

Hymns sung slowly, sadly.

Layers by layers of soil that covered the box until I couldn't see it anymore.

And I realized, father was really no more.

Rue wipes away my tears, but I take her hand away.

"It's okay, Chaol. It's not your fault." She pats my shoulder.

"I shouldn't be celebrating my birthday." I say. I should be visiting his grave instead, but I didn't.
"Chaol, look at me." Rue speaks after a length of silence between us.

"Your father would never want you to be sad on your birthday. He wants you to be happy. You're his pride. His son." She points out. "He wants you to forget about the past and think about present and the future. If you keep remembering the past, the shadows will never leave you."

She hugs me, then.

My entire body goes rigid as she surprises me with that hug. Before I can hug her back, though, she releases me.

Shouts from a distance away breaks the silence between us, and I pull her along with me to meet Kate and James for the barbecue.

Food is life. Father is life. She is life.

No, I cannot die.

This is truly the best birthday ever.

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