Post it notes (Watty's 2016)

Chapter 18

It was the day of James' funeral. I put on a nice black dress, that His mom helped me pick out. She offered to pay for it, but I refused because she had already been through enough. The dress was a one shoulder dress with ruffles across the neckline and strap. It was tight and formfitting at the top, then at the waist it flared out a little. The dress went to just above my knees.

I wore some purple dangle earrings, with an elegant purple necklace. I put my hair in an up-do, and I had a black clutch purse with a thin strap, that was lined with a few light blue gems on the outside.

James' mother came to my house to pick me up. I took a deep breath, as I walked out the door, and went to her car. On the way, we had some small conversation but there isn't a good topic when something like this happens.

Once we got to the funeral home, we walked inside and stood, as people started coming. Lisa walked around, greeting people when they came in. I stood around, feeling a little out of place. I didn't know anyone that was there. Eventually someone walked up to me.

"Hello, who are you?" A kind looking lady asked.

"Hi, I'm Rayen." I replied.

"Oh, that's pretty, how did you know my grandson?"

"I was- I am his girlfriend."

"Oh, that's lovely. I was afraid he wouldn't make any friends."

"He was a great guy."

After some small talk with people here and there, it was time to start. Lisa started talking and then it would be my turn. I listened on and off to her, but I was nervous about talking to all these strangers.

"My son was on his own most of the time, very independent, and not a lot of friends, but there was one person who made a big imprint on him, and meant a lot to him. James had asked me to have her give the speech today. Rayen was his best friend and girlfriend." She motioned to me, and I slowly stood up, very nervous. I walked up to the middle and she hugged me, as she walked away.

"Hi, as she said, I'm Rayen. I'm James' girlfriend. I was told to talk about what he meant to me, and that's hard when someone means everything to me. He didn't have a lot of friends, and he claimed he didn't want them, but I know now that he just didn't want to hurt anyone. I was lucky to make the cut and know him.

James and I loved each other, but I don't think he meant for us to ever be together. Even though he loved me, he was willing to put it aside so he wouldn't hurt me.

He anonymously gave me this book." I said, as I pulled out my secret admirer book. "He left me post it notes throughout this book, as my secret admirer. Over time, I managed to get closer to him, and he never told me that he was my secret admirer." I paused, looking around at everyone.

"The post it note that meant the most to me, was this one." I said, as I opened the book and turned to the page with the post it note. I started reading it.

"The last post it note in this book says who I am, but I trust you will read all the way through to get there. It seems that you should know that the story is more important than the end, but that is up to you." I looked around at everyone, nervous that I am making the  speech at his funeral when I really didn't know him, not like they did.

"I knew it was more about the story than the ending, but I think this taught me that life was more about the story than the ending.

In the end, I may not have ever gotten to really know him, but I think he wanted it to be that way. I think he wanted me to find out who my secret admirer was after he had died. Now whether it was due to fear or not, I like to think it was because he didn't want to hurt me." I kept going, as I felt tears running down my face.

"It's weird that I'm crying for someone I barely knew, but in a way, I knew him through his notes to me. I cared a lot about him, and he meant a lot to me.

James' last post it note in the book, talked about why he didn't want to be with me at first." I opened the note from the last page, and began to read. "You may not have understood me then, but I did tell you one day you would understand, and if you don't know what I'm talking about here are two words 'happy ending.' Is this the day you understand?" I stopped reading, and looked at everyone.

"I understand now. James told me he couldn't have a happy ending, and now I understand. That is why he didn't care about endings, he cared about the story. I don't regret getting close to him, even though I got hurt. The one thing I do regret, is not talking to him sooner than I did. James was an awesome guy, and I wish I knew him for longer than I did." I walked back towards everyone, and I walked to my seat.

After everyone had spoke about him, we got up and mingled some more. This was when Lisa walked up to me. She brought me into a separate room, and handed me an envelope.

"He wanted me to give this to you when he-" She started crying, and paused. "It has your last post it note from him in it."

I looked at her with brighter eyes, and I opened the envelope. I took out the note, and started reading.

-That kiss is still the best feeling I've ever had.-

I finished reading it, and I slipped to my knees, and started crying, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Through the tears, I spoke to him one more time.

"It will always be mine too."