Different

Prologue

*Present Time*

Rachel,

 I can’t tell you how many times I have written this letter. Every time I think I have written all the right words, I realize that they don’t mean anything. The words I write on this page will never mean as much as I need them to, but I am just going to take a risk and write everything I feel and hopefully that will be enough. Here it goes.

 The day you left me was literally the worst day in my entire life. I haven’t been anywhere near the same without you. I don’t think I will ever be complete without you being by my side. I am just a crumbled up man you left behind to make a better life for yourself. Ever since the day I realized I loved you, I made a promise to myself that I would never hurt you, yet I broke it. I broke you.

 I don’t think I would miss someone as much as I miss you now. I miss the way you smile when I make a fool of myself, the way you push your hair back behind your ear when you are trying to concentrate, the way you would hold me tight in your sleep just so you know you’re safe, the way…oh it is no use saying these things because I know that I will never be able to see them again.

 I don’t think I could ever say ‘sorry’ enough for you to return to me, but I am just going to say it one more time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ruining everything by being selfish. I’m sorry for allowing myself to just let you leave me. I’m sorry for being everything you despise. I should have known that one day my actions will push you away. I just never thought that it would be like this. I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself for what I have done to you. I’m sorry…for everything.

 You should have never even wasted your time with me. I hope you find someone else to make you feel special and nothing like I did. You didn’t deserve anything I did to you. I fucked up. I’m sorry.

 -Asher

I read the letter more than I should. Tears begin to run down my cheek and hit the page causing some of the words to smear. I shouldn’t be crying…not again. I have cried way too much this past couple months. I thought I had finally become strong and forgotten about him, but there is always just something that brings me back.

I take the letter and read it again, studying each word. I try to imagine him sitting in his room, struggling to come up with the right things to say, and him becoming angry every time he realizes that what he has written will never be enough.

Just the thought of him doing this causes my chest to ache. I can’t control it, and my breathing quickens. Before I know it, the pieces I have tried to put back together since I left are now shattered all around me.

I toss the letter to the side of me on the bed and place my head in my hands. It is no use even trying to stop the tears this time. I have spent way to much time trying to keep myself from breaking down.

His words begin to swirl around in my head.

I made a promise to myself that I would never hurt you, yet I broke it. I broke you.

 Just the thought of him writing that down and meaning every bit of it causes me to become weaker. He thinks he broke me when he was actually part of the process of putting me back together. He’s the reason my life changed for the better. He’s the reason why I learned what true love is. He’s the reason I can never go back to the life I had before him, the life where I wasn’t even myself. I was just stupid college girl, a stupid college girl that never really knew what living life really meant.

The part that hurts the most is the fact that he will never know what I am thinking. He will always be left in the dark about how I really feel about him. I should have never left the way I did. I just packed up my things while he was out, and went straight to the airport to catch the next flight anywhere, anywhere he wasn’t.

I should have never done that. I knew I was being stupid, but I didn’t want to change my mind. I wanted to just leave and get out of that house that held and still holds so many memories of me and him.

I just kept thinking that when I left, he would come home and realize I was gone then come running after me. He would wrap me up in his arms and beg me to come home with him. He didn’t though. Now I am in Mississippi by myself, with no one and have been for the past two months.

I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. Every day, every minute, that I am apart from him, things just get worse. They say that time heals all wounds. Well time is definitely not on my side in this case. My wounds are still open, and they are deep. I always find myself thinking, will I ever be whole again? Most days I fully believe that I will be, but then others I find myself allowing the wounds to become even deeper.

He is truly the only thing that can ever heal me completely. I try my best not to believe it, but I know it’s true.

I want to write him back saying everything that I feel, just so I can get it off my chest and hopefully start moving forward for once. I find the strength to get up off my bed to find a pen and paper. Once I have both in hand, I stand at my kitchen counter and place both in front of me.

No matter how much my heart tells me to just pick up the pen and spill out my every thought onto the page, my brain tells me to just forget about it. Forget about him.

It pains me to do so, but I know I have to. It won’t be good if I let my heart win. Things will just go back to the ways they were, and the cycle will start again.

I take the pen and paper and stuff them back into the drawer they came out of. The tears start to threaten my eyes again, and just like before, I let them win.

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The song to the side literally fits this chapter, this book, these characters perfectly. I honestly could not have written a better song for this if I tried! Please listen to it before/while/after reading this chapter! I already love this song and the fact that it fits Rachel and Asher's relationship so flawlessly makes me love it more!