I Only Meant To Do This To Myself

10 - Better Off Dead

10 - Better Off Dead

Sleeping with sirens - Better Off Dead

***

It's at night when you're at your worst. Your weakest. Your loneliest. It's at night when you have something in common with me.

***

I was about to go to sleep when it all hit me like a train. I am lonely, a gut wrenching feeling began and tears began to spill. If it wasn't for people taking pity on me I would have no friends. My best friend, Luke, doesn't even hang around with me much any more and we are living in the same tour bus for fuck sake. I spend most of my time in my bunk thinking about all of the stuff people lie to me about so as they don't have to deal with my drama. I'm fat, I'm worthless, I'm stupid, weak, an inconvenience.
It's at night time when I come to a realisation that I'm better off dead.

***
"Maaaay." I heard Mike whisper to wake me up. I hum in response.
"It's ten o'clock, you should get up, darling." He coos. I shake my head and face away from him.
"You take care of all of the hungover people, I'll be out soon." I say, "not that you actually want me to but..." I add on in a whisper. Mike must have not heard or he just agreed seeing as he went to deal with many hungover bands. I sit up and start to blast Suicide Season into my ears through my ear buds. A single tear escapes my eye but I quickly wipe it away.
I don't do anything else until There Is A Hell, Believe Me I've Seen It. There Is A Heaven Lets Keep It A Secret started to play from the beginning. I slowly walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water and walked back to my bunk. I then sat like before listening to music, but I read a little of one of my favourite books and drew a shitty ass drawing.

***

*Mikes POV*

I saw May get out of bed finally and go to the kitchen. I thought she'd get food but I was wrong, she walked back to her bunk just holding her phone listening to music and in the other hand a large glass of water. We needed to do something. I don't want her to get worse. She barely talks to anyone anymore. She is really distant from me too. Correction, I need to do something.

***

*Mays PoV*

I hopped out of my bunk, my fingers itching to play something. I walked into the back where Tony, Mike, Vic and Jaime were and smiled at them, getting a returning smile from the guys.
"Hey, Tony do you mind if I borrow your guitar?" I ask, my voice shaky because of me not talking in a while.
"Sure, I'll tune it up for you before you use it." He replies, I thank him and tell him to do standard tuning.
He passes it to me and I take it and thank him once again, sitting on a guitar stool in the corner, I can tell that the guys were watching but I didn't care. I started to play Romance, the first song on MCR's I Brought You My Bullets, etc. Album. I loved this song because even though it was 'just an instrumental' it still had the power to move me and make me feel an indescribable love for it. I poured as much effort and emotion into this as possible and it payed off. I was ecstatic when I managed to get the part right where you have to stretch you hand from the 8th fret to the 5th and the same with the 11th fret to the 7th.

I heard the guys clapping for me when I'd finished, I blushed and slowly turned around. I had a massive grin on my face.
"Jesus, you can replace Tony in the band whenever you want!" Jaime exclaimed and I laughed, only to see Tony tackling Jaime, we all rolled out eyes at them but we were all smiling nonetheless.

Mike came over to me and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek, I smiled up at him but I felt bad... I just didn't feel the same way as much as before, ever since I've been getting worse I've become less in touch with my emotions and I feel toward him in more of a love < like sort of way. I still love him, but the like is stronger than the love.
"Hey, Mike, can we go for a walk?" I asked, he seemed shocked that I asked to actually go outside but he obviously said yes and we told the guys we were going.

"You are such an amazing guitarist! You did that tab perfectly!" Mike cheered, he looked so happy and my heart fluttered a little, but it was more nerves than anything.

"Aha, thanks..." I trailed off, rubbing my arm. He must have sensed something was wrong because he came right to my side, looking serious.
"What's wrong?" He asks turning to look at me, we both stood still, looking at each other.
"I think we need to take a break," I blurt out, "until I'm better, everything is just too much for me at the moment... I'm sorry." I look down, ashamed. He tilts my head up.
"Don't worry, I understand, I'm always here and make sure you tell me things sooner so as nothing gets worse, okay?"
"Thank you so much."
I gave him a peck on the lips and we walked back to the bus.

***

It was 10pm and nearly everyone was asleep, Luke and I sat in the living room and an idea sparked in my mind: tattoos.
"Yo." I called to Luke, his head shot up and I carried on, "how do you feel about us doing stick and pokes? I have the stuff for them I just never got around to actually doing it." I finished to see a grin on his face,
"Dude, that sounds awesome! Go grab ya shit and we can start!" Luke grinned like a child on Christmas morning as I chuckled and went to grab the ink, needles, thread, pencils and alcohol wipes.

The rest of the night consisted of us stabbing ourselves with needles, fun right?

***
I'm such a bad person oml I never update 😂 sorry 'bout that