Save Me

Chapter 12: Chesnuts Roasting On An Open Kiss

Erika

3 weeks later...

I haven't been able to function much these past few weeks. My awkwardness rose through the roof and I constantly became flustered when I was around Lucas. I couldn't hug the man without my heart beating so fast that I thought everyone around us would hear it. I tried to distance myself from him, so my feelings won't grow anymore and complicate our friendship even more than it already was. But whenever I wasn't around him, I yearned for his presence and I wanted him to be around me, making life all the more bearable and keeping me at least a little sane.

Lucas Perry, what are you doing to me?

I got out of bed after wasting my time obsessing. I had to wake up a half-hour earlier than I usually did because I was responsible now for carpooling with Lucas. After Blair and Connor got together a week ago, Connor started giving her rides to school. He still said he would drive Lucas, but Lucas didn't want to be a third wheel. He respected their space. However, we still saw them as much as we did when we were friends.


I was feeling especially terrible this morning. I was feeling especially anxious today, more so than in the past few weeks. If I was already on edge before, I'm basically dangling off the side of the cliff. Sophia asked me if I wanted to stay home today, but I refused because I couldn't let Lucas down. Besides, if I could handle the threat of potential anxiety attacks before, I could sure as hell try again today. Even if it's never as easy as it sounds. All I could hope for is that I can wake up a lot better tomorrow.

We were presenting our project today and I was scared on what Lucas' take would be when he finds out I continued to do the story, even though he said it wasn't a good idea. I was scared about what he was going to say or if it was going to pay off at all, much less work out perfectly. This is worth a lot of our grade and I don't want Lucas to fail this semester because of me.

You're gonna fuck this up. You're both going to fail and it'll be all your fault.

I tried pushing all my negative thoughts to the side for a little while just to preserve my sanity, just long enough to get ready to get up, which is already a chore. After I finished getting ready for the morning, all the feelings rushed back in and I almost sobbed out loud from the emotional pain. My heart was pounding as if I'd just drank ten cups of coffee and I started shaking.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. I went to my nightstand. I opened the small drawer and pulled out the small bottle of pills. Kingsley, Erika- Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor. My antidepressants. I took two in my mouth before washing them down with the glass of water on my nightstand.

"Erika, you're gonna be late!" I heard Sophia call from downstairs. I stuck the bottle in my backpack before slinging it over my back, just in case I needed to increase my intake later, and went down the stairs. When I went into the kitchen, Sophia handed me a breakfast burrito wrapped in foil.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay today?"

"Yes, I'll be okay. I promise."

"Okay, call me if anything." I kissed her cheek before jumping into my car and headed toward Lucas' house. I put on some music, hoping that it'll lift my spirits. I tried to focus on the nice Fort Lauderdale weather. It was still in the middle and upper 70s and it was mid December, just under two weeks until Christmas. I still haven't decorated my house nor gotten any presents for anyone. Thinking about how unprepared I am for Christmas made me even more stressed.

I pulled up to Lucas' house and just honked my horn. I rubbed my temples and took deep breaths hoping to calm my fast beating heart. Lucas came out of the door and jumped into the passenger seat.

"Ready to present the project?"

"Honestly, no. I'm freaking the fuck out." I told him honestly.

"Don't be nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about." That's what you think.

"Can you pass me my breakfast on the floor?" He picked it up out of my bag and passed it to me in a second. He grabbed something extra out of my bag and showed me the bottle of pills. "What are these?"

"Antidepressants. For my anxiety."

"Just be careful with these okay?" He assured me, pleading.

"I know what I'm doing," I said, coldly. And I instantly regretted it. "Lucas..."

"No, it's okay. I understand." He said, looking out the window calmly. I knew he wasn't mad but I still couldn't help but feel terrible. I just tried to focus on driving to school but I couldn't let it go.

When I pulled into the school parking lot, I parked the car and Lucas got out quickly and walked in the direction of the school entrance. I got out quickly and ran to catch up with him and when I did, I pulled on his arm.

"Lucas, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," I said, as he turned towards me.

"Erika, what's wrong? You haven't been yourself," he asked, not angry but concerned.

"I've just had a lot on my mind lately," I said, dodging his question.

"I know you've been avoiding me. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you? And if I did‒"

"No, no! Lucas! You haven't done anything wrong." In fact, you've done everything right. "It's just that, I've been really stressed out from this project, and that Christmas is around the corner and I haven't done anything and I just...I don't know."

"Erika, there's nothing to be stressed about. I know we'll do fine," he said, as he pulled me in a hug to comfort me. I wanted so badly to not make this hug any more than friendly but I couldn't help it. I wanted to stay in this position forever, but I knew that I shouldn't enjoy it more than I should. I can't let my feelings complicate for friendship and risk me losing Lucas from my life.

"Thanks Luke," I said into his chest.

"I'll have to catch up with you later. I need to meet with Mr. Anderson to talk about my letters of recommendation. I'll see you in psychology," he said, letting go and walking off.

I looked at his retreating figure into the crowd and watched him disappear from my eyes. When I couldn't see him anymore, I went back into my car and sat in the driver's seat for a small break. I laid my head against the steering wheel and took deep breaths.

Lucas Perry, what are you doing to me?


________________________________________________________________________________

My hands shook in anticipation at the end of seventh period. It was time. I filed out behind the class and to my locker to grab my psychology project.

"Ready, Ricky?" Lucas said, coming up behind me. I jolted in his direction and hit his arm as he laughed.

"Shit, Luke! You scared me!"

"I didn't mean to, but I'm glad I did." He sobered up as the bell rang for eighth period.

"Let's go," he said, nodding his head in the direction of the classroom.

"Wait, Luke. I have to tell you something," I said, deciding to come clean. He turned his head, fully toward me. "You know you said that doing the story wasn't a good idea? Well I kind of still did it anyway," I said and waited for the angry and disappointed response.

"What? Erika!"

"Well, it was because we weren't friends at the time and I wanted to stick it to you but as I started writing it, I couldn't stop!" I said, knowing they were useless excuses.

"Erika, this project is basically the majority of our grade! You know how Ms. Koval is! She doesn't care about creativity. We might possibly fail this class!"

"I know and I'm sorry!"

"You know how much this meant to me! I'm trying to clean myself up as well as my grades and you might have fucked that up!" He fumed.

"Luke, please!" I said, pleading him. I was on the verge of crying, another thing I didn't need and was completely my fault.

"We have a presentation to do," he said, coldly and he just walked ahead, letting out a deep breath. I just stood there watching his figure walk away. I heard the late bell ring and I didn't care. I closed my eyes when I couldn't see him among the other students.

Now he's finally left you, like he was going to from the start.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Lucas

I walked the rest of the way to Psychology seething.

"Why'd you have to fucking yell at her?" I said, to myself.

I'm mad at Erika. Well, I was. As soon as she looked at me with those crystal, beautiful blue eyes, I knew I wasn't mad at her. I could never stay mad at her. But, she doesn't know that. She doesn't know that when she said sorry, I immediately forgave her. With her looks, she can bring an entire army to their knees. And they weren't just skin deep. She was the most honest, caring and beautiful person I knew. Her sincerity and struggles made her stronger than anyone I knew, even my father, an army veteran.