skinny love | solangelo

Watered-Down

blood trigger warning! but mostly triggering thoughts! message me if you want to hear the condensed version of this chapter!! stay safe!
____________

~Will

I looked at my reflection in the mirror of the dark bathroom. Anger like fire was alight in my eyes and my eye bags were as dark as my disposition.

But anger at what? I wonder, even though I already have my answer. Anger at myself, for being so stupid. For letting my guard down. For hoping something good could actually come from.... From what? Being nice to someone? Gods.

I wanted to punch the glass and watch with a sickly satisfaction as blood ran down my hand, dying my skin red. But I didn't. I wanted to scream and tear out my hair with only the sound of my cries in the night. But I didn't.

I didn't, because I was William Solace, and I was meant to be strong.

You are supposed to be capable, I told myself, Not throwing a temper tantrum because of teenage emotions.

You are the leader of the Apollo cabin. All of your siblings go to you for help. You are the head doctor, so don't you dare let your emotions get in the way of work.

I let out a silent, strangled scream. I was tearing myself apart on the inside. Piece by bitter piece of my heart was breaking off and turning into dust. My very facade was shattering, and I didn't know why.

"What's happening to me?" I whispered, gripping the sides of the sink tightly, as if it could ground me to the living, the cold of the porcelain biting into my palms.

It started out small. Just a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, but now it's here. It's here and it's driving me insane. Insane, insane, insane.

This feeling. This feeling  I couldn't put my finger on.

I've never felt it before, and it hurts. It hurts so very badly. It hurts in my chest, a decaying mass, and the feeling runs down the back of my left arm, exploding in my hand.

It feels like a part of me is gone, like a hole was ripped through me. As if someone took all of my organs out of my torso and sewed me back up, like a deflated balloon.

I leaned in towards the mirror, searching my eyes for some sign of normalcy, but they lost their blue. I was watered-down paint or a snowy sky.

This feeling, it's called heartbreak.

I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about it, about this. It's something normal, happens every day. But my skin was burning and my nerves were fire and I'm stuck in this loop of uncertainty and self-pity and whatever type of schist living is.

I huff out a breath, watching it fog up the mirror. In the vapor I draw a smiley face, almost laughing at myself. Almost. Instead, a wheezy, choked breath.

I lean back and flick my eyes up to glare at my reflection.

"No," I growled,"No. I'm not going to get focused on this. None of this matters. All that matters is helping my patients and my siblings. Clear your mind, Will."

A deep growl in the back of my throat sounds as I push myself away from the sink, walking out of the bathrooms to the darkness of the camp.

My mood lightens only slightly as the cold air bites my skin as I walk briskly back to my cabin, hoping to avoid the harpies. Luckily, the door doesn't creak as I push it open, the sounds of my sleeping siblings sounding from the blackness of the cabin.

Quietly slipping into the covers, shoes, clothes and all, my mind replays my words, like a mantra sounding over any other thought.

I'm not going to focus on this. None of this matters. All that matters is helping my patients and my siblings.

I lay awake, staring at the ceiling with only my thoughts to keep me company until the light of dawn breaks through the curtained window.