Fire and Desire

Chapter 14

Aubrey
The air suddenly turned still. There's no way she's just said what I think she said.
"Miscarried" ... Our baby? I was 29 years old.
29.

About to have my first child and she .. She hadn't even told me.

A thick lump formed in my throat as I turned to look at her.

Rea
His eyes turned dark and stoney as they locked with mine. I regretted it but it had to be done.

"See a few months ago," I said through big gulps and big tears, "I found out I was pregnant. We were about to be a FAMILY Aubrey. I know you wanted kids and I was honoured to be the first one to give you a child."

His caramel complexion had since washed pale, something I didn't know I could notice in such dark light. His Adam's apple bobbed up and down and he swallowed hard, possibly the bunch of lies he intended to spit at me.

"I lost the child I never got to tell you about."

Laying up in the bed for two days alone was clearly beginning to take its toll on me. My body was limp and exhausted, my legs aching and stomach cramping. I wasn't due for a period obviously, so I was wondering what in the hell was going on. I reached over and flicked on the bedside lamp as I threw the duvet cover back. The colour drained from my face as i examined the small sack that lay in between my legs on the crisp white sheets, surrounded by a lake of blood.

The baby.

My body began to tremble as I reached for the side phone. I shakily picked it up and dialled for an ambulance. I kept my responses brief as I was at a loss for words. As I put down the receiver, all sorts of things started whizzing through my head.

What was I going to say to Aubrey?

How would he react ?

A few moments later I got a call from the gate asking why an ambulance was here. I avoided all questions and asked for them to be sent up immediately.

While waiting for them come up, I turned on "Now and forever" from If You're Reading This Its Too Late. It was one of my favourite songs from before I met him. I liked to hear where he was at in his life at that point. I craved his company and support at this moment but it was something I was not going to get. It was low enough to be quiet, but loud enough to aid me through this. His voice, his vocals. I missed him. I began to zone out as the staff burst through the door and immediately confirmed a miscarriage.

Any tears that should've flown, didn't.

Aubrey
I stopped myself from crying. Being weak in front of Rea was something I stopped myself from doing often. I was the man and I wasn't there for her.

For my girlfriend. For our baby.

A miscarriage, however, was not a foreign concept to me. The same thing had happened with Robyn. She sobbed in my arms for days before acting like it never happened.

One of the reasons we broke up.

Her flippant attitude surrounded by floods of tears sent me into a spiral. She sent my head crazy and all I could do was write about her. "Days in the East" being the most memorable. I was trying to let her know that she could call on me anytime but all she did was run to the next nigga, clearly forgetting the connection we shared, the child we almost shared ...

Rea
I watched him as his eyes searched the sky. Like he was looking for hope or some guidance. My revelation had struck a chord and frankly I was glad. We started this journey together and he seemed to be ending it back in Rihanna's arms. Not my forte.

I twiddled with the burning blunt in my hand, taking a puff occasionally while he continued to stare out.

The silencing was intoxicating so I broke it off.

"And you know what I was? Not scared, not frightened, but I was alone Aubrey. While you were living it up on stage with your woman crush Wednesday. Doing the same shit that you do day in and day out when you see her, but no OVO fest was just ultra special right?"

Off all things to break silence with, I chose that. My words were so acidic they burned my mouth as they left it. My resentment towards Robyn was building at every bated breath. But I had no regrets. It was now or never.

Now and forever.