Cancer

Nine

*TRIGGER WARNING- SUICIDE ATTEMPT- SKIP TO AFTER ITALICS AND STAY SAFE*
*mikey*

I was sitting in my room, but I could hear everything.

"He's such a burden, why is he even in the band?" I hear Frank tell Gerard. Of course it's right, I've been holding them back from what they're capable of. I can never get the music right, I can't play the way they want, and I can barely write.

"I don't know, I feel bad and he's my brother," Gerard tells Frank. I don't feel offended though, because I understand. At least he was trying to make me feel like I could do something.

"He's awful though. He sucks at bass, he never smiles, and he's just too awkward to be around," I hear Ray say quietly. He always told me he liked my awkwardness, but I guess he was also just faking it.

"We should just kick him out, it would be so much easier," Bob says casually. I hope he's kidding, this band is the only thing that keeps me going.

"Yeah, I don't even know why Pete wants to date him, must be sympathy..." I hear a voice say. Pete wouldn't do that, would he? I pull out my phone to text him a message, but before I can, I see one on my phone.

"Mikey, you know I don't really love you right? I'm sorry if you thought I did, but I just felt bad for you..." That's when the tears start falling. I feel the whole world closing in on me, making it harder to breathe. Nobody loves me, nobody wants me here. Maybe it would be better if I just left...

I grab a bottle of anti depressants and bring them to my room. I see life after I'm gone, and honestly it seems better for everybody. I open the bottle and down it all. Everything begins to blur and I fall into my bed.

(It's safe to read now)

I snap my eyes open. I feel my face covered in water. I can't tell if it's tears or sweat. I haven't had these thoughts in so long, what's happening now?

I grab my phone and check the time hoping somebody would be awake. It's only two in the morning, but I decide to message Pete anyways. Who knows with the time differences anyways.

Are you up?

I message, not knowing what I was really expecting.

Yeah, what's up? Isn't it like 2 am???

He replied almost immediately. I'm thankful that I can talk to someone, but I'm worried how he's going to react. Maybe I should talk to someone else, but it's two am, who would still be up.

Yeah, bad dream

I wait for him to reply, but instead I see my phone light up with his name. I smile and hit accept.

"Hey," I mutter into the phone.

"What's up?" He asked nervously. It's not every night your problematic boyfriend calls you at two am.

"It just felt so real, everybody was saying how much they hate me and how I'd be better off dead. I went to go text you but you told me you didn't really love me and you just pitied me," I say as tears start forming again. Man I felt weak. I was getting upset about a dream that I had about my boyfriend. What was I, a teenage girl now?

"Shh, Mikey that was a dream, none of it is true. I do love you and nobody thinks you're a burden," he tries to reassure me, but I'm not too sure. It felt very real, and I'd understand if everybody felt that way.

"Okay, I love you too. You should get some sleep. I'm sorry if I woke you up," I say calming down a bit. I still didn't believe him, but I wasn't going to argue with him.

"It's fine Mikey, I told you to call me if you had any problems. I'd rather you wake me up then deal with it on your own," he says, bringing that feeling in my gut again. Ruined his whip night with your problems, way to go Mikey...

"I'm gonna try and get some more sleep," I tell him, knowing that was a complete lie. There was no way I was going back to bed after what happened. I couldn't risk another dream like that.

"Okay, if you have anymore problems call me," he tells me and hangs up. I sigh and lay back down, I don't know how I'm going to survive this tour. Nothing seems to be turning out right. I hate to say this, but maybe Pete was right, maybe  touring wasn't such a good idea...
-

Sorry bout that one. I'm just in a writing mood
Good night
-the other half of kess