Day One (kaylor fanfiction)

8 (purge)

Taylor was surprised to wake up the next morning not having remembered even being close to falling asleep. All she could remember from the night before was the anxiety and the ceiling fan, both spinning above her.

She blindly reached a hand over to feel for Karlie like she did every morning but felt instead a mess of empty sheets.

She rolled over to look at the clock: just before 7. Karlie might not have left yet. Taylor got out of bed, found a sweater to throw on and stumbled downstairs to see if Karlie was still there, not sure yet what she would say to her if she found her.

Taylor walked into the kitchen and saw Karlie standing with her back towards her. She had a coffee in one hand and was reading the newspaper that was lying on the counter.

Taylor walked over and wrapped her arms around her from behind, almost as if already asking for forgiveness from the night before.

Karlie jumped a bit, not having heard Taylor walk over but relaxed when she realized.

"Oh, morning." Karlie said; there was a happy tinge to her voice that was confusing to Taylor. "You're up early." Taylor rested the side of her face against Karlie's shoulder blade.

"I'm sorry about last night. I feel really bad." Taylor said, her voice small and still a bit horse from having woken up only a few moments ago.

"Don't be. You were just stressed and you weren't thinking. I overreacted. A couple sips of wine isn't going to do anything. Don't worry about it." Karlie turned around and grabbed Taylor's upper arms. "I'll just have to keep a better eye on you." She said, still smiling. Taylor tried to smile back but it looked pretty weak.

"Hey," Karlie said softly, "It's a joke"

"I know. It's fine. I'm just tired." Taylor said, looking down. Karlie kissed the top of her head.

"It's early. Go back to bed." She suggested. Taylor nodded. Karlie looked at the time on her phone. "I've got to get going." She stopped and looked at Taylor. "You're okay?"

Taylor nodded and Karlie leaned down to kiss her. It was brief but not apathetic.

"You sure?" Karlie pressed, obviously not buying Taylor's pitiful attempts at seeming okay.

"Yeah, I'm just tired. I didn't sleep well last night." Taylor answered. Karlie kissed her again, lingering a bit longer then before.

"Go back to bed, babe. You need to sleep."

"I will." Taylor responded, but didn't move.

"You want me to take you back up?" Karlie offered, her voice still soft. Taylor smiled.

"I don't need you to tuck me in, Kar." Taylor said playfully. Karlie threw her head back and laughed.

"Maybe I want to practice my mom skills, okay?" Karlie faked defensiveness.

The word "mom" seemed to slip Taylor back into the anxiety that had temporarily vanished in her banter with Karlie. Karlie didn't seem to notice. She kissed Taylor one more time and started to walk towards the door.
"I'll call you." She said over her shoulder. She walked around the corner and out the door.

Taylor was alone. She swallowed hard and pulled her sweater tighter around herself, the sleeves wrapped around her middle like a straight jacket. She was suddenly very aware of how cold the kitchen tile felt on her bare feet and how hot her face was becoming. She only noticed her throat was becoming tight when she was struggling to breathe.

Taylor cried. These weren't delicate tears either; these were tears that had been suppressed for weeks, begging to come out. She leaned her elbows against the counter and put her head in her hands. This wasn't fair. None of this was fair. Things were supposed to be perfect now. She was pregnant, she was supposed to be happy, she was supposed to be excited. But she wasn't. She was too terrified. There wasn't room for anything else. So she cried out of self pity. She cried because she felt stupid for agreeing to have a baby pretty much just because she knew Karlie wanted to.