Day One (kaylor fanfiction)

13 (other words)

"It's not your fault. These things just happen."

Taylor vaguely looked in Karlie's direction without responding.

Karlie sighed and hung her head when she didn't get a response. She spun her wedding ring around her finger and tapped on the band with her fingernail.

"Okay, well, I'll be-" She struggled, awkwardly gesturing to the door. "-in there if you need anything."

Taylor nodded.

"Just call for me."

Taylor nodded.

"Or I'll just come check on you in a few."

Taylor nodded.

Karlie hesitated before walking out of the room.

At first, Karlie focused all her distress on taking care of Taylor.

She never went more than fifteen minutes without asking her if she needed something. She cleaned things that didn't need to be cleaned and cooked even though neither of them felt like eating anything. She couldn't sit still.

It was hard for Taylor to watch her frantically try to busy herself with something.

Scenes of an excited, nesting, happy Karlie played over and over again in her mind, like some horrible movie she couldn't figure out how to turn off. Taylor knew it wasn't her fault but she still felt guilty.

Karlie played like a broken record; the same string of reassurances spilled out of her everyday. "It's not your fault.", "We'll be okay.", "Sometimes bad things just happen.", "It's not your fault.". But the more she said them, the less convincing they sounded, the more it sounded like Karlie was trying to convince herself.

This wasn't fair. None of this was fair. 

It seemed cruel that life would do this to Taylor now. Just as she was starting to become attached to this baby, it was torn away from her.

Sometimes, if it got too dark and too quiet, something in the back of Taylor's mind would tell her this was all karma. This is what she gets for spending the first two months angry and bitter. She spent too long rejecting motherhood, so now, when she wanted it, it had to be taken away. It was all some sort of cruel poetic justice.

...

After a couple of weeks of nothing, Taylor didn't know what to do anymore. She spent a lot of time writing. Songs, journals, poems; it didn't matter, she just had to put the words somewhere. She would wake up in the middle of the night and sneak out of the bedroom to write. Sometimes she would stay awake until the sun came up and Karlie would find her hunched over a notebook next to an empty pot of coffee.

But Karlie never asked questions. She never asked her how long she'd been up or what she was writing. After a while, she never really said much actually.

She would kiss Taylor on the top of the head and offer a half-hearted "good morning" and then she was gone.

Taylor had no idea what was going on in Karlie's head. They were so far away from each other it would take a séance to figure it out.

They were both getting restless. Although Karlie's restlessness started to come out through gritted teeth not sudden bouts of creativity, it was still very much there. She was starting to get irritable and it was a side of her Taylor had never really seen.

Karlie was short with her and it felt like she was spending more time at work than ever before. They were starting to disconnect. Everything in Taylor's mind was screaming to grab her and run before life could get them but she knew it was better to give her space. They both needed time to mourn. They both needed time to mourn on their own terms. Taylor just missed her.

"When are you going to be home?" Taylor asked quietly and distractedly as she stared into her mug of now cold coffee.

"I don't know, Taylor." Karlie answered impatiently.

Taylor nodded and took a sip of coffee. It tasted wrong but she kept drinking it regardless.

When Karlie grabbed her bag off of the kitchen counter, she knocked over Taylor's mug and coffee spilled all down the front of Taylor's sweater. It was the beige one with the word "genius" written in dark letters across the front.

"Shit!" Karlie exclaimed and she reached out to grab the mug before it hit the ceramic kitchen tiles. It's slipped out of her grip and shattered on the floor. Karlie stared at the mess at her feet.

"It's okay." Taylor said quickly before Karlie could apologize. Karlie handed Taylor a dishtowel from off of the counter.

"Sorry." Karlie said anyways. She bent down and started picking up pieces of the mug while Taylor toweled herself off. Karlie picked up the pieces carefully, placing them gently in a pile on her left hand.

"I think it will come out." Taylor said, mostly to herself.

"What?" Karlie asked, looking up at Taylor. Taylor looked down at her for a moment before responding, thrown off that Karlie even bothered asking her to clarify.

"The coffee. On the sweater. I think it will come out in the wash." Taylor said, looking down at the coffee stain.

"Oh," Karlie nodded, "Okay good."

She carefully carried the pieces of the mug and put them in the garbage. She stared at the pieces for a moment before closing the lid.

"We have too many mugs anyways." Taylor offered.

"One less to wash." Karlie offered back. Taylor smiled half-heartedly.

Karlie grabbed her bag again and walked over to Taylor.

"Hope I didn't ruin your sweater." Karlie said, awkwardly grabbing Taylor by the forearm.

"I'm sure it will be fine." Taylor answered. Karlie nodded.

"Okay. Well, I have to go. Bye." Karlie leaned down and kissed her. She lingered, like she was trying to make up for something. Taylor wondered if the only reason Karlie was even kissing her was because not kissing her goodbye would be too obvious. Karlie pulled away and looked down.

"I'll be home around 6ish. I can bring home food." Taylor nodded and Karlie left.

It felt like everything was fading. Like it'd been through the wash too many times or left careless in the sunlight or forgotten and ignored or god knows what but the colour was fading. What they had tried to bring to life was now killing everything in it's death. Although, Taylor tried her absolute hardest not to think about that. When she did she would tighten her jaw and dig her nails into her palms until it passed. Then it was back to the songs and poems and other words on pages.