Gravity

Chapter Three

Long after Jonny had fallen asleep, Chris remained by his side. He shifted a bit on his chair and his eyes darted around the room to finally set on the young man on the bed. He reached out and took the rag away, his fingers accidentally brushing the short blond hair of his friend. Jonny did not stir so Chris placed his palm flat against Jon’s smooth forehead, his fever had broken, he noticed with huge relief. An intense feeling took hold of him and enveloped him. It felt as if the world had suddenly stopped. It was one of those unique moments. One of those moments not everyone got to experience firsthand. One of those moments when you just knew and you could not understand how it had happened or when or why and why you had not realised before, but now you knew and you could not imagine yourself feeling any different. Well, right then, inside that small bedroom in a flat in Camden, was the moment Chris knew that he was in love with Jonny.

More often than not, people tend to be quite pleased when those things happen to them and seem to react accordingly. However, all Chris could feel was confusion and pain, and he also reacted accordingly; he got up with shaky legs, headed to his room, unceremoniously fell on his bed and broke into tears, thousands of thoughts attacking his mind. This could not be happening.

Why? Why was he in love with Jonny? Maybe it was just a man crush. He had spent a lot of time together with him and they got along extraordinarily well, that’s why they were best friends. He should not be feeling these things for Jonny. It was wrong! He wasn’t gay. He liked girls, even if girls did not seem to like him much, but neither did blokes or drag queens for that matter. Well, except that one that had called him “stray kitten” when they were leaving that crazy party near Will's flat, but she ( he?) only wanted his money. Anyways, he liked girls. He had had this argument with his own brain before and he had concluded that he liked girls. Just in case, he tried to think about boys people usually considered attractive like David Beckham, Brad Pitt, Hugh Grant or Guy, and while acknowledging they were handsome and feeling some envy there, he could say he definitely did not want to *be* with them. Then he pictured those girls who attended his classes, one of them was quite cute, another one was really sexy. “Yeah, they’re hot. Way out of my league, but hot, I would without a doubt be with them,” he thought with a chuckle through the tears, “if they wanted to be with me, that is.” He tried imagining himself with them. He could certainly see himself being sweet and tender with a girl, being protective. It was a relief, but then he thought of Jonny and it shook him so hard, all his feelings and thoughts seemed to have crumbled down like a house of cards. He let the anguish and confusion take over him and hugging his pillow, he silently sobbed himself to sleep.

When Chris opened his eyes again, light entered through the window and he could clearly hear the birds chirping in their usual way. Gone were the laughter and partying atmosphere he had heard a few hours ago. It was early morning and as his tired brain woke up and reconnected with the world, memories from last night resurfaced and hit him like a blow. What? No, surely he had been mistaken. Too much lack of sleep had obviously been affecting him. He shallowly analysed everything that had happened. Those persistent feelings that rose when he thought of Jonny were still there. Instead of opening his heart to try to make sense of them, he coldly rationalised them. After a hasty and superficial examination, he had concluded he felt that way about Jonny because of their special connection. It made perfect sense. He admired Jonny a great deal, Jonny was such a nice person to be honest, he was lovely and all around brilliant, everyone could see that. He was in awe every time Jonny explained something intricate in his easy way or every time he solved pages after pages of very complex equations for his assignments, or when he would create such a lovely tune for their songs or when he wisely knew what to say every time Chris came to him for advice. Jonny was wonderful and that was it. He, himself was insecure and did not want to lose such an awesome friend and that’s why he had felt jealous but that was all. That was the reason and he had been foolish to think otherwise, he had been mistaken, he had not slept properly and his brain had played tricks on him, but not anymore. As amazing as Jonny was, he was not and he could not be in love with him, Chris decided and pushed all those weird feelings aside, burying them somewhere really deep inside of him, where they would not interfere with his life, ever.