Unpretty

Unpretty - 22

It's not on present tense anymore. Don't be confused, I'm on fast forward mode now.

Do you ever remember a time in your life when you look back at what happened and cannot believe what you’ve done?

This is one of those moments.

It started as discontentment, a deep urge of wanting something better.

It turned out to be an obsession which led me to hate myself.

An obsession that turned into an illness.

Little by little I have allowed it to run and eventually ruin my life.

I performed face surgery on my own. 

I cut the unwanted parts of it with my own hands.

Inside my own bathroom I have cut, sliced, stitched and failed miserably.

I let myself bleed almost to death.

And for what? 

All for the chance of being normal.  All for the chance of being pretty.

But I never really understood what all of that really meant.

All I knew was that I wanted to be someone the world considers as pretty and normal.

All I knew was that I was so different, so ugly, so unworthy.

All I knew was that I wanted to change.

Looking back I never seem to remember when it all started.

When everytime I looked at myself in the mirror I noticed something I hated.

I always saw something I wanted to change so desperately.

I believed myself to be unpretty but I was never that.

I never had the disfigured and repulsive face I believed I had.

…She was such a pretty girl; I can’t believe she did that to her face.

Knowing I was never the person I thought myself to be, landed like a bomb that I thought would kill me.

Knowing that what I did to my face meant I’ve done massive damage to it made me cry a river.

Knowing that it was all in my head confused me and I refused to believe it.

I am average, normal, not to be scared of.  I would have fit in just like anyone else. 

There was no need to hide behind a shawl and sunglasses because there was no one or nothing to hide from.

I am simply like you who occasionally saw something you don’t like about yourself once in a while.

The simple things you would have ignored and not be bothered with are things that I obsessed with fixing.

It was all too much that I cut my own face.

Knowing that I ruined my face because of false beliefs made it hard for me to live and made me wish I just died instead.