Unpretty

Unpretty - 17

 I blink several times, testing the stitches on my eye lids.

I place my hands on my chest and feel my beating heart.

Calm down. Your eyes are okay. That was a small mistake.

I feel a slight pain on every part of my face and realize the pain killer must be wearing off. 

I take one pill but I don’t wait for it to numb me again.  I shouldn’t stop and get this over with.

I can still finish this and bear the throbbing of my face and the gradually increasing pain.

It’s a small sacrifice compared to what I will become after this.  I should go on.

Don’t mind the pain. Pain is only in your mind. Focus.

I wipe my cheeks with a piece of cotton soaked in alcohol and get the filleting knife from the bowl.

I turn my head to the right and touch the stitch I made on my left cheek. 

The skin around it has gone red.

I decide to leave it be for the mean time and turn my head to the left.

I lift the filleting knife and start to prick my cheeks, anticipating any pain.

Relief rushes through me as I feel only a slight sting. 

The feeling that it might work this time and I would be done with it urges me to go on.

I carry on with creating an incision on my right cheek near my jawbone, only a short distance below the edge of my lips.

This time I am mindful of any possible blood outburst like the one that happened on my left cheek.

I hold the filleting knife on my right hand and in my left I hold some bandages to wipe away blood.

I successfully create an inch and a half long opening with only an occasional blood dripping I deem as normal.

I insert the filleting knife on the insides of my cheek with the intention of loosening some flesh and removing it from my cheeks.

I’d do anything to get rid of this puffiness.

I slowly move the knife back and forth but an involuntary movement of my hand causes the knife to slip further the inch and a half incision.

Now the incision is wider, starting near my mouth and up near my ears.  My whole right cheek is cut open.

A considerable amount of blood gushes out from the cut, like water from an open faucet.

A sharp agonizing pain comes upon me quickly with no warning at all.

Surprised by the sudden jolt of pain, I let out a scream.

A scream that is a big mistake for the cut I did on the sides of my lip have opened further. 

My mouth is open wide and blood is gushing from it too.

I absently grab any cloth my hands could grasp and wipe it on my face.

I press one cloth on my open cheeks and the other on the bleeding sides of my mouth.

My mind is now in a state of panic and confusion; the pain escalating. 

I can’t even think straight. 

All I know is that I need to stop the bleeding.

This time, it is not just a thump of panic that arises in me but a loud one.

If it has a sound, it would be as loud as a bomb falling from the sky.