Unpretty

Unpretty - 15

For minutes that seem like hours, I lay in the tub with my eyes closed but my mind more alert than ever.

I wait for the pills to take effect; I carefully open my eyes and blink several times.

In the moment that I feel no pain, I hastily get up and resume my position in front of the mirror.

The pills have numbed me again. 

There’s too much that needs to be done.

Standing by the sink, I look down on my bowl of supplies.

I look at myself in the mirror and ignore the gauze on my eyelids and the stitches near my eyes.

I lift the filleting knife and slowly make a small incision in my left cheek, near my jaw bone. 

I hate my puffy cheeks.

A small incision of an inch and a half, enough to get the filleting knife inside.

As I slide the knife inside my cheek, a steady flow of blood oozes from the cut.

It bleeds generously that the thump of panic suddenly finds its way to me.

I let go of the filleting knife and hold my cheeks with one hand; the other frantically searches for a towel, gauze, anything to hold over the wound and stop it from bleeding.

But it disappointingly continues to bleed; my hands now slippery because of my own blood.

Seeing no other choice, I grab the needle and sew the wound shut.

The needle slides way too many times that it pierces through my cheeks, the sharp end all the way into the insides of my mouth.

I make a mess of my stitches and there are puncture marks on my cheeks, but that is the least of my problems right now.

I wash the blood off my hands and think. 

What do I do with these unsightly puffy cheeks?

Never mind that, I decide to get back to it later and move on to something else for now.

As soon as I look in the mirror I know exactly what to do next.

I take the paring knife and place it inside my open mouth, the sharp side facing the right corner of my lips.

I hate my small lips. It doesn’t fit my face at all.

 

I carefully create a cut on my lips towards the right, a small cut of maybe a fourth of an inch at most. 

Just about what I need to have that perfect size of lips that I want.

I ignore the trickle of blood on my chin, eager to finish fast.

I turn the knife around and cut my lips towards the left.

My lips bleed and experience its metallic taste in my mouth.

I wipe the blood away from my chin.  Unlike my eye lids or my cheeks, the bleeding instantly stops. 

This is the easiest part of all.  I examine my work and feel satisfied.

I try to smile but as soon as I do, the cuts bleed. 

And so I urge myself not to smile for now, knowing that there is plenty of time for that after this.

Looking out the window, I see a mixture of a purple and yellow sky.

It’s early morning and the sun starts to rise. 

By the time the sun is finally up, I will be a different person.

I have wished for this ever since I can remember and now I am finally doing it on my own.

Still, there are things that need to be done.