Unpretty

Unpretty - 14

I let out a sigh, a sign of my readiness for what is about to happen next.

I’m ready.  This is it. After this I will be different.

I never knew it could be this exciting; the preparation, the deed itself, everything.

I want this to be perfect.

I place a huge bowl I got from the kitchen earlier on the sink and fill it with alcohol.

I soak a handful of cottons in alcohol and wipe it all over my face. 

In another bowl I dump the knives and everything else that needs to be cleansed from my stash and fill the bowl with antiseptic.

I place nylon threads on three of the biggest needles in my sewing kit.

Next, I take the paring knife and the tweezers and hold it in my hands.

I stare back at myself and look at everything I hate about my face.

I lift my right eye lid using the tweezers, the eyelid in between, holding it in place.  I slowly lift my eye lid away from my eye ball. 

I hate how my eye lids droop.

I start to slice a little part of it; despite drinking pain killers and almost a bottle of whiskey I still feel a slight sting.

It feels like someone sticking a syringe in your flesh but instead of a mild stinging pain that dissipates instantly, this stinging pain is prolonged.

I watch as blood flows down my face, when that little piece of my lid is cut off, I start sewing the top and bottom half of my eye lids together.  I start closing the gap I have created.

It is rather hard getting the huge needle and the nylon thread through this thin skin.

It is a delicate process of trying not to stick the needle in my eye ball and create a straight path of stitches. 

Once I am done, I examine my work in the mirror.

It isn’t so bad; I just hope it heals fast so I can remove the stitches soon.

After that I do the same thing on my right eye lid, slowly going through the motions until both my eye lids are stitched.

I grab a towel and wipe the blood off my face.

I return the tweezers and paring knife then lift the needle with a long nylon thread in it.

I hate the shape of my eyes. 

Back at the center where I had the first surgery they made it bigger just as I wanted it to be, but now I hate how it looks.

I want it to be smaller.

With the tweezers, I hold the corner of my left eyes together.Not the one near my nose, the other side. 

And then slowly I stitch my way through, just three stitches and I’m done.  Again I do the same thing on my other eye.

Truth be told, I am starting to love what I am doing.

It feels exhilarating to finally do exactly what I want, with no one telling me otherwise.

Looking at my masterpiece, I start to smile, but then blood flows from my eyes. 

I am crying with blood.

I grab a handful of cotton and wipe it delicately.  I cut tiny pieces of gauze and patch my eye lids with it.

Please stop bleeding.

Amazingly enough it stops, as if my pleading helped. 

Just as it stops bleeding, that small thump of panic also evaporates.

I wash my hands and dry it with a towel. 

I take the bottle of painkillers from my pocket and drink one pill as I lay inside the tub.

I start to feel pain in my eyes when I blink, I would have to stop right here.

But there is still too much that needs to be done.

I told you page 14 later.  Do you ever get the feeling that you just want to get it over with?hehe this is the fastest upload I have ever done, two uploads in less than 24 hours. I feel friggin' weird.