The Suicide Series ✔️

fifteen

And then she panicked, panicked, and panicked some more.

It was all she could do.

For days she'd been going to the bathroom at school just to cry. And in the shower at home, there was hyperventilating and choking on the water she couldn't keep out of her mouth.

Her chest was hurting and burning in the mornings, afternoons, and nights.

It woke her up a few times and all she could do was tear up and lay in bed, soaking up the pain.

It took everything she had not to grab the knife and slash at her thighs until the pain stopped. Instead she worked through it. She focused on school and homework. She focused on trying to breath and trying to walk.

She, at one point, was unable to stop counting the tiles she stepped on in the school hallway, until she walked into a wall rather than through the doorway to her classroom.

Her face went red and she sat in her seat, focusing on her breathing.

She was so stressed and anxious.

Cutting used to be her release, but now that she hasn't been doing it, she's imprisoned in her mind.

At times it feels as though her body is giving out on her.

In the middle of a test, she believes she is going to die.

At the end of the school day, she's ready to vomit.

She gets headaches while driving and sometimes gets stuck in her mind, unable to focus on the road.

And then she lowered the radio in the car, so she could pull back into her mind. Her hallucinations were getting stronger and she couldn't resist them. She imagined getting into a car accident and the tears were piling in her eyes, as she imagined the outcome. She wanted to stop, but she couldn't. Her family would miss her, and her friends, they would all mourn. But what if she survived, what if she lived in a coma forever, what if she killed someone in the accident? All these thoughts and outcomes raced through her mind until she couldn't take it. The car honking behind her was the last straw. She couldn't do this anymore. She sped the car up.

And then she crashed it into an electrical pole, ending the panic and ending the hallucinations. Ending everything.