This is about you | ✓

Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

Feelings.

Remember me mentioning Akki's girlfriend earlier? NO?

It's okay.

He had a girlfriend since 10th grade, her name is Diya and she is a pretty, nice, awesome girl.

I loved the way how they stuck together through thick and thin for five years.

I never thought about how I felt about Akki because I knew he was taken and me feeling anything would only hurt me which I totally didn't want.

But kudos to my best friend Hepsi for figuring it out.

This is what she told me exactly "You like him more than a friend but never thought about it, even now u won't think about it because you are scared."

Well who wouldn't be scared?

Hell! I was terrified of a one sided love.

I didn't know that I was falling for him.

But that's the thing about love right, you never see it coming.

Hell, I had other relationships just to let my feelings for him fade.

But it never went away, he was always my number 1 priority even if I was with someone and that is so unfair for the person I am with, so I gave up on that idea.

Finally I just started thinking and ended up with some answers, atleast I think I did.

I never knew that the reason that I always went back to him and apologized to him even when it wasn't my fault was because I felt something for him.

Whenever I apologized I just told myself that 'Sha you do that because he is your friend and you always like to be the bigger person even when you are just 5foot 2inches.

I never knew that the reason I loved his smile and that I would act stupid to make him smile was because I had feelings for him.

Whenever I would catch myself thinking about my feelings for him I would always say to myself 'Friends do that for friends always, don't think too much' and I would let that be.

I never knew the reason for that little tiny pinch in my heart whenever I would see him put up a photo or status about his girlfriend was because it actually hurt.

Whenever I felt that, I would say to myself 'You are just getting old and that's your heart telling you to eat healthy so that you don't die of a heart attack.'

I never knew that the reason I would could not be angry at him was because I cared too much.

Whenever I thought that I would say to myself 'Casting aside your anger is normal between friends, it's compromise not anything else silly.'

But that was the problem.

I just talk to myself a lot.

The thing is I would come up with this ridiculous thoughts to cover up my feelings that I became used to it. It was only because I wanted to protect my heart.

I never knew the reason I apologized first was because I wanted him in my life even if it was just like a friend. Trust me, I have so much attitude and pride. But never with Akki. Again I could tell myself many reasons for it, hell you could probably gimme a million reasons for me being like that but deep down all of us know I am like that because I feel for him and not that I am a weak and fragile person.

I never knew the reason I would act dumb was because I just loved his smile so much that it brought me happiness. Yes you would definitely do that for a friend. But would you act dumb to make them laugh and then stand back and look at them laugh and enjoy that view? Because that's what I did and trust me am a very smart person and wouldn't act dumb for just anyone.

I never knew the reason behind the pinch in my heart when I saw him put a photo or status about his girlfriend was because I wanted to be her. I wanted to be in her place beside him, in his heart, on his mind. But I never realized that when they were together, because that was so wrong of me to think. I would never ever disrespect and hurt Diya like that.

I never knew the reason I never got angry with him was because my anger also had feelings for him. My anger never stayed. Sure I would get upset and sad cause of something he did, but it just vanished when I would see him struggle to make it up to me and it was because I felt that he was the cutest and most hilarious person. Also when I would get upset he would get upset. Seeing him upset is something that I never want to see. So bye-bye anger.

My point is I feel for him, because I am not like this with everyone. I flip someone off when they say me to stop talking to them. I never ever act dumb for anyone's entertainment. I never not be angry with someone because I think it will be hard for them. And I never feel like to be someone else.

You could say that I am an idiot and that I value him too much.

Well yes, I am an idiot then, if it means I value him, then so be it.

Even now I am freaking scared to label my feelings for him but all I know is that he is precious to me and I can't see the frown on his face and I will do anything in my power to just see him smile that big goofy smile of his and will do everything in my power to never lose him.

If this is friendship then so be it or if this is love then so be it.

I am not bothered with labels as long as I know he is happy, even if it costs me everything.